Sunday, October 5, 2014

Monster Mash Movie Marathon Month 2014 - Week 1

Hey gang! This is the first of, hopefully, several digest entries to review the films that I've been watching this month. Check back here every Sunday if you crave one man's fractured analysis of the horror genre.

Since this is the first one of these, and because without fail every year, someone is personally hurt when I give a movie what they feel is an unfair grade, I'd like to remind everyone of how my letter grade system works. First and foremost: Anything D- or higher implies that I liked it at least a little. I'm also a notoriously hard marker, rarely giving anything above a B+ grade (and nothing has ever secured the coveted A+ to date...)

** This contains spoilers for sure. Not always, but accept that it might happen. **


A = Excellent, a must see
B = Very good, I’d watch it again
C = Worth Seeing
D = Maybe don’t bother
F = Worthless
+ = Superior for this grade
- = Just barely makes it into this grade

 So, keeping that grading in mind, let's get down to the first week, shall we?



Right off the bat, perhaps one the worst experiences ever in my monthly horror movie watching. And I've seen a lot of bad movies during these years.

But first, the plot: picking up where the previous picture left off, Jason, who you are led to believe was dead, isn't dead at all. Seemingly unphased by his mortal injury, Voorhees immediately gets up, goes to a local shop and murders the help. Then a group of eight kids - not troubled at all by the mass murder that went on nearby a day or two before - shows up for a weekend of bongs and banging. Jason makes quick work of all of them, except the female lead, who eventually manages to take Vorhees out with an axe to the head. After a false ending that is basically an exact rehash of the first movie, the survivor is carted off to convalesce, and we see that Jason's body is still there. Still (possibly) dead. Special mention to this film is that Jason finally dons his signature hockey mask, after taking it from the body of horror geek Shelly.

Now, I wasn't expecting Citizen Kane, but I was hoping to see why this franchise is so particularly beloved. It took three movies to even get Jason to become the icon he's become today. There is nothing to celebrate in this film. The slayings aren't particularly gory or involved. One of the kills is an exact copy of one from the first movie. Would it kill you to try?

Here's how every single Friday movie goes:

  • Ten minute flashback ripped directly out of the previous movie (in the case of the first movie, they replace this with 'exposition')
  • Jason/Mrs. Voorhees kills some people not related to the plot
  • Some kids, oblivious to all the ominous signs, take a trip to Crystal Lake
  • A creepy old homeless fellow warns them about the danger they are approaching, but he is ignored
  • As soon as they get there, every time one of them is alone on screen, creepy music plays, even if nothing happens. When they're together, there is no music (so you know it's safe)
  • Jason (or Mrs. Voorhees) picks them all off, one by one, flawlessly. Most of the kids never even see their murderer.
  • Despite this amazing success streak, without fail, when its down to one kid, Jason abandons his previous routine and becomes awful at murdering! No matter how hard he tries, no matter how many deaths he feigns, he becomes supremely inept at doing what he's been doing amazingly well all movie.
  • The final kid eventually manages to put him down... But for how long?

These movies are uninspired. Even if I don't care for a series of films (Like A Nightmare on Elm St), I do find it an interesting exercise to go back to the roots of the franchise to see the evolution of their success. Not so with these movies. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. The complete lack of any explanation as to what Jason is leads the writers to be able to give him whatever powers he needs to get through each scene of the movie (for example, in one scene he's strong enough to pop a teen's skull, but ten minutes later he's trapped in a hand-rolled car window). Indeed, the only interesting aspect to this film was it was originally in 3D. There are many unintended laughs at how they tried to use these effects.



Sam is an American author visiting Italy. He intends to leave Italy with his girlfriend soon, but those plans go awry when he witnesses an attempted murder. Then Sam is held as a possible suspect, and his passport is taken away by the authorities. The police reveal to him that this is the fourth attack in a series of slayings. Sam takes this in stride, however, and begins to investigate the murders himself. While eventually the police come to believe his story, and collaborate with his investigation, the killer also takes notice of his meddling and begins to try and kill Sam in retaliation.

This very atmospheric thriller is the debut film by the celebrated Italian filmmaker Dario Argento. It is also perhaps the first slasher movie, but you wouldn't know it by the content. In fact, very few characters are killed on screen, and are usually women who are just on screen long enough for us to understand that their sole purpose is to add to the body count. To this end, the gore is very minimal, which is crucial to adding to the effect. Because no slasher films existed before this, there is no need to emphasize or celebrate the slayings. And besides, with the surreal, nightmarish build to the reveal of the actual killer, Argento establishes that he doesn't need gore to send a chill down your spine and make you feel uneasy.

This might be Argento's first picture, but he establishes himself quickly as a director of worth. The framing of scenes in this movie is breathtaking. And while this could be considered a slasher, it has the feel of a Hitchcock thriller. Indeed, it is apparent that Argento is paying tribute to Hitchcock's style through the movie, but he manages to make it his own. Argento's use of shadows, his innovative way of framing shots and a surprisingly fitting soundtrack from veteran Ennio Morricone assure an underlying creepy feel throughout. The whodunnit storyline is also refreshingly smart, and though they do give you clues through the film, you'll be hard pressed to see the whole picture until the reveal. While true horror fans may not appreciate it, cinephiles of all stripes will definitely find something they like about the Bird With the Crystal Plumage.


Vincent Price is Robert Morgan, a scientist who has managed to survive a mysterious plague that wiped out the entire population of Earth, and then reanimates the corpses into dim-witted vampires. We open getting to know Morgan through watching a day in his life. You know, the usual: have a coffee, put some gas in the generator, bring any corpses you find to a giant pit of burning bodies in the middle of town, and spend the rest of your daylight hours busting into homes and staking as many vampires as you can find. After this, we get a flashback to see what Morgan's life was like, and how it came to pass that he was the last one alive. Finally we return to dystopic present day to learn that Morgan has met another seeming survivor, who eventually reveals that she too is a vampire. Some of them have managed to work out a temporary cure for their plague and are none too happy that Morgan has been going out and murdering all of them!

Now, that description might make parts of this film seem way more exciting than it truly is. The Last Man on Earth Is the first adaptation of Richard Matheson's novel I Am Legend (later remade as the Omega Man with Charlton Heston in the early 70s, and again in 2007 with I Am Legend, starring Will Smith). Released in 1964, 4 years before Night of the Living Dead, the influence of this movie on Romero’s classic is obvious; the scenes in which the vampires try to gain entry to Morgan's home are extremely similar to the zombies trying to breach the farmhouse, the vampires behave more like the zombies of Romero's films, and even some of the themes are similar (such as harboring a sick daughter in a national crisis). Therefore, it’s fair to say this movie was extremely influential on the zombie genre we are very aware of today.

But the movie itself isn't that captivating. It rushes through Price's vampire slayings in the earlier segments of the film. It also comes to a conclusion rather quickly, and, given the amount of information the film lobs at you in the last 20 minutes, I couldn't help but feel like it could have used another half an hour to better explore some things (like the vampire society that has been forming! How did that happen?). Where The Last Man on Earth succeeds is with its early establishing shots of a world full of bodies. No one lives by day, and by night… well… no one really lives, but there they are.  This film has a very depressing tone, and though it is a bit confused about what to do with it, ultimately is successful in setting the scene for a true sense of hopelessness. 


Koldo and Clara are getting married! Starting with a copy of their wedding DVD, the ceremony is beautiful, and everyone is having a lovely time. But there's trouble with Uncle Pepe - who admits on camera earlier that he was bitten earlier in the evening by a dog that he thought was dead - when he starts biting and infecting the other wedding guests. So begins a true horror love story, with Koldo and Clara searching for one another through the blood-stained grounds of their wedding reception. Will they find each other? Will they be able to escape their party alive? Can the Rec franchise transition from found footage to a more traditional style of film making?

Short answer to that last one: Yes, it can. While the first 22 minutes of Rec 3 do lead you to believe that you will be watching an entire found footage movie, Koldo addresses this by smashing one of the three cameras we see being used at the start of the movie. All three camera people are in Koldo's initial unit of survivors, and they give up trying when he makes his feelings known. Though parts of the film stray back into this medium (there's more than one security camera footage sequence, and an almost useless night camera sequence), the majority of the last hour of Rec 3 is well shot, well lit, and yet it still manages to keep its signature style of spooks. They even manage to include some of their old found footage tricks (subtle additions to frame that turn out to be monsters, for example). While Rec 2 managed to begin to examine the more religious angles of their zombies (most likely to separate it from it's godawful Americanized remake, Quarantine), Rec 3 takes this further, showing that the very religious people of Spain are able to hold their own against these undead as long as their faith is strong.

Special mention MUST go to lead actress Leticia Dolera, who becomes a bride possessed with finding her newlywed husband and surviving the carnage of her wedding. While they certainly don't fail to try and make her look like a sexy horror heroine, I found myself more appreciative of the actresses' facial expressions and reactions. She may look a little like Shelley Duvall, but there's something to be said for a unique looking protagonist. The scenes in which she picks up a chainsaw and hacks her way back to her husband are marvelous.

So, you must be curious, why only a C+? Well, frankly, as entertaining as it was, this film doesn't show you anything you haven't seen before. It is also pretty predictable. You can see any scares coming a mile away. While it may prove that this franchise can outlive its found footage roots, it's nothing that I would rush out and tell people about. This film also relies on people having watched the first two films. They reference the monster that created the plague that turns people into these demonic creatures, but there's no resolution or direct confrontation with that character. While Rec 3 manages to establish its own style, there's nothing about this film that couldn't have happened in any other zombie movie.

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And that does it for week 1! Because the month started on a Wednesday, this entry is a bit smaller than those to come. I'm not exactly what will be upcoming this week (I want to do Cannibal Holocaust - Cloverfield - Afflicted all in the same week, but probably not this week), but tonight we'll be checking out the widely publicized Insidious. Stay tuned, fright fans. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Monster Mash Movie Marathon Month (2014 Edition)



Another year, another October, another month of watching horror movies.

For those of you that don't know, every October, I give myself the task of watching a horror movie I've never seen before each day. That's 31 movies minimum. No small task! As the years go by, the list of classic and celebrated movies left to draw on gets smaller and smaller. And so I have to rely on word of mouth & omissions from the previous year.

Though there's no real theme from year to year, occasionally something will come through from my list as a kind of theme. This year, following my infatuation with V/H/S from last year's marathon, I've selected quite a few found footage films. Including, but not limited to, the original found footage film, released in 1980, years before the notorious Blair Witch Project, Cannibal Holocaust. While I'm excited to see it, it is worth mentioning this film is not for the faint of heart. The link above, I'm sure, will tell you all you need to know.

What follows is my proposed list of titles. I have copies of these lined up, buy each year without fail, one or more doesn't work with my media devices. I've included trailers for the films to peak some interest. 


This is not the order in which I intend to watch the films, either. This is simple chronological order. Apologies if any recommendations you might have given me didn't make the list. There's a lot in this genre to choose from.

**MANY OF THESE TRAILERS ARE PROBABLY NOT SAFE FOR WORK**

(1932) The Mummy
(1960) Eyes Without a Face 

Monday, December 24, 2012

The Most Depressing Thing I Read in The Road Today Was...

Continuing my antics from this post here, I have continued with Cormic McCarthy's The Road. It continues to be really depressing, and so I figured I would share a bit of that sentiment with all of you. THIS IS TOTALLY FULL OF SPOILERS!

The Boy and the Man have been encountering a lot of the organized bands of assholes that inhabit their desolate world. This is basically as scary as it gets for them. These people mean business -- they are assuredly cannibals.

So, naturally, the Boy is often curious about whether or not the pair is going to die. He asks his father constantly "are we going to die now?". This has been happening since before they were in immediate danger of being killed, defiled and eaten, but has since increased in frequency.

Now, it's depressing enough that a son constantly asks his father if they are going to die or not. However, what REALLY puts it into context is that the first time the Boy asks this question, the Man questions him in return if he wants to die, inferring that the Boy has a genuine death wish. It turns out he does, because the Boy believes that he will be re-united with his mother.

Happy holidays!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Lights, Please...



I had a fairly recent revelation, and I felt I should tell you all.

Now, this is something I never thought I'd say, but I had moment this year while I was watching the Charlie Brown Christmas Special. You know the one: "Christmas Time is Here", they dance a lot, there's a sad Christmas tree. Ol' Chuck is a hardcore Debbie Downer, but then, every one of his classmates is a supreme prick to him, so it's not hard to figure out why. Eventually, Linus gets up on stage, and asks them to turn the lights off, and he says some things about some baby. Then Chuck goes home, defeated by the spirit of commercial Christmas. The Peanuts crew, realizing they've probably destroyed Chuckie B's cred forever, all show up at his place, fix up his tree, and sing at him.

Here was the moment: I really, really dug it.

I never liked Charles Schulz's Peanuts until watching the very touching and by all means classic holiday special this year. This year. I'm almost 30, and I never once gave a single fuck about Peanuts. Not one. I was aware of it. I never got into it though. I never even tried, really. You know all the references, even if you're not a fan, I'm sure. The mean-spirited Lucy likes to pull the football away when Charlie tries to kick it. Snoopy doesn't talk, and has a bird pal (who also doesn't talk). There's a dirty dude, a dude who plays piano, and possibly some budding lesbians. But I think what I never really got, and excuse me if this seems silly, because I feel silly admitting that I never understood this, is that these are all children speaking with adult voices.

Now, I think part of the reason I never cared much for Peanuts was because I grew up in a different generation. One that had its own comic strip of children speaking with adult voices: Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes.

I was (and still am) a Calvin and Hobbes fanatic. No other printed comic strip has ever come close to capturing my adoration or attention ever. Webcomics, well, webcomics are a little different. You can all recall I was a fan of Achewood, and certainly there are other webcomics that are excellent, but I've never gotten into most of them.

It's fair to say that a lot of my love for Calvin and Hobbes comes from the sentimentality of it. I got the first book when I was very young, and collected everything else that was released while Watterson was still writing it. What made Calvin's character so special was that he was obviously extremely intelligent for his age and imaginative. I thought I was like that too. In fact, I'm sure many of the Calvin and Hobbes readers of my generation felt the same way.

But I think where Peanuts differs from Calvin and Hobbes is that while Calvin by and large is a child, and we explore his world through the eyes of a child, Peanuts attempts to take child like characters, and represent them as young adults. Not like 15 year olds, but adults embodied by children. There's a certain maturity to Charlie B and his thug buddies that just kinda yawns out of the newspaper page at you. This is further reinforced by any actual adults never appearing in frame, and, at least in the animated version, never speaking comprehensible words. In fact, the children act enough like adults on their own. Lucy runs a psychiatry booth, for example. Not a lot of real world children are even accredited psychiatrists, let alone able to run their own licensed psychiatry stand.

... Hang on. Let's watch that dance again.

(An aside: Your favorite guy in that dance is probably the kid in the orange shirt. He doesn't have any lines, which is probably good because he doesn't appear in any of the other parts of the cartoon. Honest. Watch the special and try and find him in any scene that doesn't involve him boogieing down) 

This is of course speculation. I'm sure Schulz has totally released all kinds of print about his methods and ideas about the world he was creating. Heck, I vaguely remember reading Watterson talk about it in his 10th Anniversary Calvin and Hobbes Book. Watterson was definitely influenced by Peanuts, I just never really understood why. Or how.

In Watterson's world, however, there are plenty of adult characters. And most of the children we see act like children. Only Calvin has that adult voice thing going on, and even then, most of the shit he gets up to is obviously children-oriented. Either he's out sledding, or making a cardboard box into some kind of machine, or getting into a physical brawl with his imaginary friend (who seems to always win). This, to me, seems naturally more enchanting to a young audience.

I think that's the ultimate difference between the two: Peanuts would draw in a whimsical, but fairly mature audience that long to return to the days of their youth, while Calvin and Hobbes was most successful with the generation of kids who grew up reading it. It's pretty much a lock they'll try to pass it down to their kids in the hopes that they too will consider themselves misunderstood child geniuses.

So, the question is, now that I've had this revelation, should I pick up the entire Peanuts Collection? If I liked the special so much, maybe I'd really get off on the antics of Chuckie B and friends. There's a certain sweetness to what goes on there. Sally and Linus have a pretty special thing going on. I mean, I'm sure they eventually end up together, right? Snoopy probably has some really insightful stuff to say. And so long as they don't start jumping around, biting each others bums and turning into a questionable racial stereotype, it can't be so bad, right? Why don't we all have a look at the first strip together.

... oh. Okay. Mmmmmm... Pass. But I do think I'm gonna make an honest attempt at bringing back 'Good Grief' in 2013. If we survive the apocalypse.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Just in time for the holidays...

As some of you know, I'm quite keen on post-apocalypse stories. So, with the upcoming end of the world, I figured I'd make another attempt at reading Cormic McCarthy's The Road.

I say make another attempt because I've had a copy of the book since just after the feature film (starring Aragorn, king of men) came out. I was so interested in seeing it, as I had heard it was a really good post-apocalypse story. But I insisted on reading the book before seeing the movie. I don't often do this, but this time, I was going to!

And twice now, I've picked it up. And twice now, I've put it back down after about 30 pages. As I see it, there's three reasons for this:

1. I am not much of a reader. Unless a book really grabs me, I'm not likely to finish it.

2. I've never read another one of this fellow's novels, but The Road has next to no punctuation. Only periods and the occasional comma. I'm sure this has its stylistic reasons, but as someone who grew up reading a certain way (you know, the way the language was intended to be written), I find it sometimes hard to understand if characters are talking, or it's more description, or what exactly I am reading.

3. It's utterly depressing. For those not in the know, The Road is the story of a father and son, who are desperately trying to find warmer climes in the face of a brutal winter. The world they are in is a destroyed, unkempt wasteland. Bands of rapists and cannibals comb the country side, actively slaying other survivors. So far, the book seems to follow the perspective of the father (who, as of where I am in the story, has no name. Neither has the son. They are just 'the Man' and 'the Boy'). The Man was alive before the devastation, so we get a very clear look at how someone who lived in our contemporary life handles having the world demolished, and having to survive for the sake of someone he loves. Thing is, it's really, really hard to survive out there. The Man, being a worried father, is constantly concerned about the health and safety of his child. And without all our modern conveniences, trekking through the countryside at the start of winter poses a lot of threats to the health and safety of his child.

So, this time, I've managed to get even further in. I'm a whopping 72 pages deep, and still keen on it. However, it is really, really bleak.

And since it's a season for sharing, I thought I'd revitalize the old blog, and share with you all just how depressing it is, in a new series I'd like to call: The Most Depressing Thing I Read in The Road Today Was...

FAIR WARNING! There will probably be spoilers. And, selfishly, I have to ask that no one spoil anything further ahead for me. Despite it taking many years to do this, I've managed to not have it ruined. I genuinely have no idea what's going to happen.

All right. Stop reading now, if you don't want to have anything spoiled.

THE MOST DEPRESSING THING I READ IN THE ROAD TODAY WAS...

... Years after the world collapsed, but years before the present time the story takes place in, the man has an argument with his wife. We know his wife is dead at the start of the story, but this is the first time we've heard more.

The argument, as it turns out, is that she demands to commit suicide, citing that the Man can't possibly protect her and the Boy. She feels this kind of death would be merciful, rather than being assaulted and eventually devoured by the denizens of their world. She urges him to kill all three of them, but when he refuses, she still wants to off herself. She refuses to say goodbye to her son. She beats down the Man's confidence, and tosses aside any notion of there being any point to surviving. The Man, who is bewildered by her determination, cannot stop her, and she carries out her plans.

That is some pretty heavy shit. But, wait, it gets worse.

The kicker is that the man only reminisces on this AFTER he's thrown away the last photo he had of her. Which he had clung onto all these years to remember her by. So now, he can literally never see her again.

You're welcome. Stay tuned for more.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

As October draws near...

Last October, my girlfriend jessrawk and I ambitiously set out to watch a minimum of one horror movie a day. We succeeded, and are going to do the same thing this year. Now that I have an appropriate place to write about such things (this very website you are visiting!), you can expect to hear about it over these channels.

However, since many of you probably didn't read my note on facebook, or simply need suggestions for horror movies in the coming month, I've decided to post last year's write up for posterity. Other things will be blogged about too, I promise.
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The Challenge: Watch 31 horror movies (or horror-comedies), one a day, for the month of October. Well, I did it. I surpassed it too, by watching another four. What follows is a review for each film, and a rating if you don’t feel like reading what I’ve wrote. What I’m particularly proud of is that except for two films (Land of the Dead and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre), these are all films I’d never seen before. Also, with the exception of Quarantine (see below), these movies are the original deal. No shitty remakes.

If you’ve been tagged, it’s because you watched at least one of these with me, or discussed this project with me at some point, or might find it interesting. If you’ve been faithfully following my status updates through October, you may have noticed the ratings have swapped for some movies. Consider that a bell curve, of sorts. A lot of the earlier movies got a higher rating than I felt they deserved upon writing these reviews…

About these ratings – they’re subjective. Mixing my film background with my personal tastes is a tough business. Keep in mind, by and large, these films are meant to be scary, but as horror is a personal thing, I’m not rating them based on how scary they are. Here’s a rough guide to the grades;

A = Excellent, a must see
B = Very good, I’d watch it again
C = Worth Seeing
D = Maybe don’t bother
F = Worthless
+ = Superior for this grade
- = Just barely makes it into this grade

The Last Broadcast – B
This film is a fake documentary, concerning a triple-homicide in the New Jersey pine barrens, the stomping grounds of the legendary New Jersey devil. The filmmaker explores the victims, the suspect who was tried and found guilty, and looks at further evidence suggesting the suspect’s innocence. This movie came out before the infamous Blair Witch Project, and uses a lot of ‘found footage’ from the murder victims (who just happen to be local cable TV-personalities). Shockingly realistic, this movie is a great example of modern, low-budget filmmaking. And the best part – it’s got closure!

Eating Raoul – D+
An independent film that satires Hollywood in the 80s, Eating Raoul is about a married couple who discover they can make their financial problems go away by murdering local swingers and pilfering their wallets. Things get a little more complicated when the naïve couple are found out by a Hispanic conman, who offers to get rid of the bodies for them, in exchange for a cut of the profits. This film suffers from time, the jokes don’t hit quite as hard now, and the murder sequences get repetitive quickly.

[rec] – A-
A Spanish movie that was remade in America and re-branded ‘Quarantine’. A young lady reporter and her trusty cameraman tag along with two firemen on their nightly rounds, which takes them to an apartment building where an old woman has been causing a disturbance. Within moments of arriving at the building, one of the police officers on the scene and one of the firemen have been critically injured, and before anyone can leave the building, it has been surrounded by military and police and quarantined mysteriously. This movie is entirely from the perspective of the cameraman, who catches all of the action, and is never seen. Creepy atmosphere, realistic perspective and beautiful special effects make this one a must see for horror fans.

Quarantine – D-
This is [rec] Americanized. I’m not kidding. It came out a year later, and borrowed the same plot, same main characters, most of the shots, most of the lines and practically the same set from the original. Oh, sure, some things are changed – they change the nature of the epidemic (the original nature wouldn’t be as frightening in USA), throws in some extra secondary characters to shamelessly increase the bodycount, and, most disturbingly, shows the cameraman about half a dozen times. Maybe that won’t bother you as much as it did me, and maybe you’d prefer to not read subtitles, but, personally, when I watch a rip-off this blatant, I get angry. It scrapes by being an F because some of the new additions are interesting (like the dog in the elevator).

The Crazies – B+
A plane flying over a small Pennsylvania town crashes, spilling a virus out that either kills its victims outright, or turns them into homicidal maniacs. What follows is the military trying to enforce martial law, and the inhabitants trying to escape quarantine. Wacky editing and some lackluster performances hurt this film, but what makes it good is watching the military handling the situation, and realizing that what happened in 1973 could easily happen 35 years later (and will – the remake comes out next year). Besides, something this campy is always good fun in my books.

28 Weeks Later – D-
Picking up just after 28 Days Later, a British man is reunited with his son and daughter, who managed to make it out of the Country before the rage virus ravaged it. The US has stepped in to help with the rebuilding process until – wouldn’t you know? – something goes terribly wrong. After a brilliant opening scene, the film loses almost all of its steam. I was an enormous fan of the first film, but this one just seemed to have been rushed into the market. It used music from the first film, over and over again, and not necessarily in an effective way, but moreso as a way to remind us ‘Hey, you probably liked the first movie. Wasn’t this music great?’ The film also suffers from a lack of substance – it seemed like it ended somewhat abruptly, and very little edginess from its predecessor was to be found.

Land of the Dead – D+
The fourth of five of George A. Romero’s ‘of the (living) dead’ films, and ultimately the poorest (Diary of the Dead, at least, plays with the form of filmmaking, which is not something Ol’ George seems to do too much in modern days). In this picture, a large gathering of survivors from the zombie apocalypse have banded together in a large, rough-shod city, which, like many modern cities, has a very clear division between its rich and poor. The action comes on two fronts; a man who has been rejected to upgrade from the shanty town to the apartments steals the biggest, baddest zombie-killing vehicle to declare war on the city, and an army of zombies, seemingly sick of being outwitted by the living, begins to learn how to overcome their numerous weak-points, including the use of tools and ability to navigate water. Apart from an entertaining performance from Dennis Hopper and some good ol’ fashioned Romero commentary on society, though, this movie doesn’t do much to thrill. It also has a terrible leading lady, daughter of Dario Argento, who doesn’t quite seem to understand what acting is all about.

The Descent – F
Finally. Someone hybridized a chick flick with the horror genre. A group of six lady spelunkers go into an uncharted area of caves, only to get trapped inside and being mostly devoured by troglodyte-people. There’s more to it than that, though. The main character, you see, lost her husband and her son only a year before in a disturbing car-crash. Said character is constantly seeing this tragedy re-visited again and again in her mind’s eye – even when she’s fighting for her life. While you could argue that some of the in-cavern camerawork is well done, you could also argue that this film’s characters are so implausible, and so unsympathetic, that you’re glad that the whole, catty lot of them are eaten by middle-of-the road special effects.

Last House on the Left – C-
Wes Craven, the horrormaker of the 80s, directed this film, about a group of killers that escape prison, and immediately get up to no good. Starting with the abduction, rape and murder of two teenage girls (who attempt to buy weed from them – see why drugs are bad?), the group then tries to hole up in the home of the parents of one of their victims. The parents find out about this, and go about getting revenge for their little girl. This film is fairly campy, and poorly shot, and doesn’t take itself very seriously – except for a very graphic disemboweling, and very uncomfortable-looking rape scene, which are so intense that they seem to be from another movie. It also features a soundtrack of light-hearted tunes, featuring lyrics about what’s happening in the movie at the moment – I’m not kidding! While one of the girls attempts to flee her captors, terrified, a man with a guitar sings about it.

Pet Sematary – D-
There’s not a lot to say about this 80s classic. The story involves a family that recently has moved out in the country, right by a busy highway. One day, while all of the family but the father is out visiting the grandparents, the family cat is hit and killed by a truck. The father gathers the remains, and, on the direction of a beer-swilling local, buries the cat in an Indian burial ground not far from the house, and the cat comes back the very next day. A few scenes later, the young boy of the family meets the same fate as the cat, and sure enough, Daddy digs him up after the funeral, and transplants the body in the same burial ground. The child re-animates and goes evil. This movie is repetitive, predictable and frustrating to watch. The only saving grace is the aforementioned beer-swilling local, who has a funny way of saying the word ‘road’, and uses the term ‘sometimes… dead is better’ three times in the same speech.

Child’s Play – C-
A wanted man, wounded in a gunfight, busts into a toy store. Using his knowledge of voodoo, he implants his soul into a popular doll, and, once bought by a single mother for her son, gets down the business of getting revenge on the criminals and law-makers that were responsible for his demise. I wouldn’t say Child’s Play is a great movie, but its premise is pretty fun. That little doll sure gets around! If the franchise wasn’t so imbedded in pop-culture as it is, the scene where you discover there’s more to Chucky than there seems would probably be pretty impressive. As it is, though, you already know what’s going to happen, and the film takes its time to get there. Brad Douriff is pretty entertaining as the voice of Chucky, though…

The Tomb of Ligeia – C+
An expanded adaptation of an Edgar Allan Poe yarn, Vincent Price plays an eccentric lord in Victorian England, whose dead wife has returned as a black cat to haunt him. Thrown into the mix, however, is a new wife for Price, that, unsurprisingly, kitty has a problem with. Price’s new wife attempts to figure out precisely what is going on, and why her husband is so strange. In the process, we learn Price is a talent at hypnotism, and has been prone to sleepwalking almost every night since his first wife’s death. The sets in this film are breath-taking, but the film lacks a little in the substance department. Of course there’s a ghost involved – why else would we be watching the movie?

Session 9 – C
This picture is the story of a hazmat team that has one week to fix-up an abandoned mental institution. Fairly quickly, though, a creepy voice gets into the head of the boss of the team, and then the trouble starts. Session 9 is pretty standard horror fare, with a not-so-surprising twist ending, but what it really succeeds with is developing a creepy atmosphere and tension. One of the men finds a group of taped interviews from one of the patients, and becomes obsessed with listening to them, thus giving the audience perspective of what a freak show the asylum was in its heyday. The build-up might not be worth the pay-off, but what a build-up it is.

Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things - F
The prick-tease of zombie movies! What we have here is a film with a running time of 90 minutes, the division of which is 70 minutes of exposition and 20 minutes of action. This is compounded by terrible actors, uncomfortable lines, and crappy synthesizer music. The plot, in short, is a troupe of actors goes to an old island which is pretty much a graveyard and a cottage. After a long pissing match between them about who is the tightest with Satan, the lead actor tries to raise the dead. It seems to fail, so they go inside with one of the corpses to have a party. Not too much later – surprise – it actually worked! The dead do rise, and the cottage is besieged. Shitty actor after shitty actor is murdered, most often, disappointingly off-camera, so you don’t even get the privilege of watching them die. The only good thing about this film is the title.

Zombieland – F
Here’s the two good things about Zombieland: A cameo from a famous actor, and Woody Harrelson for about 30 minutes after he’s introduced. The bad things? Everything else about the movie. Jesse Eisenberg puts on his best Michael Cera impression, indie hit of the moment after indie hit of the moment surfaces in the soundtrack, a little girl who has no business surviving in a zombie apocalypse continually confounds all good sense, and a cliché love story blossoms. It’s pretty tame, too, for a film that advertised itself with the notion of ‘zombie-kill of the week’. If you took out the swearing, the movie could have been rated PG. A PG zombie movie? Please. My biggest disappointment with this film will remain a mystery, as I don’t want to spoil it for you, but, please, do me a favor, and the next time you hear someone call this movie ‘an American Shaun of the Dead’, punch them in the balls/tits, and tell them “That was from Ed Staples, and there’s plenty more where that came from!”

Black Christmas – B-
Perhaps the first slasher movie, this is a film about a sorority house that is preyed upon by a disturbed killer. Granted, this is a premise that you’ve seen about 7,000 times by now, but in 1974, this wasn’t really done. The slayings are brutal, the killer is spooky, and the girls aren’t really doing anything particularly stupid (that they are aware of). This picture implements the audience with a certain sense of dramatic irony. You are instantly granted more knowledge about the killer than anyone in the film ever gets, and because of that, it might feel frustrating, though entirely realistic. The twist-ending comes out in the final few seconds of the movie, and drives this irony home.

Let the Right One In – B
This is a Swedish vampire picture about a young boy trying to cope with being bullied at school. Luckily, the single father with his daughter that have most recently moved in next to him turn out to be a child-bodied vampire and her blood-fetching servant. This film not only delivers probably one of the most in-depth portrayals of how a vampire goes about surviving in a modern world filled with forensic specialists and other detectives, but also delivers beautiful cinematography and a fairly decent cast. It’s not very scary, and a lot of time passes between the more dazzling insights into the film’s concept of vampiric mythology, but it’s probably the best non-Dracula vampire film I’ve ever seen.

Horror of Dracula – F
In the late 50s, the British movie studio Hammer began its long, long sequence of Dracula films, starting with this one. Christopher Lee stars as Dracula, who has a British accent, and talks way too fast. This film derails the traditional story of Dracula, and re-invents it by cutting out all the mythology, and trying to get to vampire-hunting early on. What results from this? Well, in short, they get him (eventually), but not before he turns a virgin or two into his progeny, and they, of course, have to die first. It is probably important to mention that this was a VERY gory film for 1958, but those standards are so far removed from ours that it’s not even a little titillating.

An American Werewolf in London – B
This movie won an oscar for make-up effects. Let’s just think about that for a second before I talk about it. An oscar-award winning horror film. It is well deserved, as the make-up effects are so good, even by today’s standards, that you might cringe from watching a corpse-like ghost talk with it’s neck flaps around, like broken gills. As for the story, two backpackers go out on a misty England moor, and are attacked by a werewolf. One dies, the other is cursed to become a werewolf during full moons. After a brief hospital stay, the survivor attempts to go on with his visit, but gets visited by the ghost of his friend, who claims he has to die in order for all the victims of this werewolf’s line to stop existing on Earth. This film is more comedy than horror, and it’s pretty successful in this regard, some dream sequences from the would-be werewolf are particularly hilarious.

Drive-In Massacre – D-
Bottom of the barrel in terms of just about every element of filmmaking you care to name, this film is the simple story of a crazy person who makes victims of heavy-petters at a drive-in. The narrative follows two policemen, one of whom looks a lot like football commentator, and Turducken-pusher, John Madden, who are assigned to the case, as they go around questioning suspects. This is interrupted by the occasional murder sequence, with ultra-flimsy special effects. The ending is also spectacularly confusing, but I won’t explain how in case you feel like rushing out to find a copy of this B-movie gem. The saving grace of this movie are the pretty funny coppers, who try to stake out the drive-in one evening, posing as a very unattractive couple.

Zombies of Sugar Hill – D+
Like it or not, Blaxploitation hybridized with a lot of things, and horror movies are no exception. Truth be told, I REALLY wanted to see the king of these hybrids, Blacula, but it doesn’t seem to exist for download on the internet (which, considering how well-known it is, and how unknown a lot of the movies I watched during this month are, is downright puzzling to me). So what’s this one about? Well, Sugar Hill is a woman spurned when her man is murdered over not selling his nightclub over to some local organized crime. Sugar has connections of her own – including the local voodoo authority, who agrees to put her in touch with Baron Samedi, who in turn gives her an army of walking dead to get revenge with. One by one, Sugar’s enemies get picked off by her crew of zombies, and, unsurprisingly, she wins the day. Uncomfortably predictable, this movie gets by on the charm of the cryptic Samedi and its theme song ‘Supernatural Voodoo Woman’.

Martyrs – F
A French film from last year, Martyrs is kind of two movies in one. The first half, after an introduction in the form of a film about a child’s life after she escapes from being brutally tortured, concerns that little girl, all grown up, busting into an upper-class home, murdering everyone alive inside, and then wrestling with a physical manifestation of her pain and suffering. Still with me? Good. Her best friend since her abduction, another girl about her age, has tagged along with her, and has fallen in love with her, but ultimately believes that she has lost her mind. Following the main character’s suicide, leaving only the best friend alive in the house, it is revealed that she was right all along, and the best friend is taken captive by a group of cultists who seek to find enlightenment by pushing torture victims to the limit of physical abuse. The second half concerns the best friend undergoing such a treatment, in near-silence, as you watch a woman get beaten and tortured. It’s bloody, it’s raw, and it’s full of twists. It’s also, I’m sorry to say, awful. Maybe if they had expanded either half into a film of it’s own, and released them like that, you’d be looking at a decent pair of movies, but you’re not, so you get a muddled treatment with little explanation or development. The ending is a huge cop-out as well, so don’t expect that to satisfy.

Psycho – A
The best film I watched during this project, and perhaps one of the most celebrated horror movies of all times, Psycho is a cinematic treasure. I expected very little, having been subjected to constant pop-culture references from its make-up since I was a little boy, and thus having all the surprise taken out of the film for me. Yet there’s a lot to like, due to the camerawork, and top notch performance of Anthony Perkins. You know how people in American cinema kind of all have the same manner of talking from the 30s to the 50s? Perkins as Norman Bates is perhaps the first actor to break from this mould, going with a much more realistic performance, and thus, closer to today’s cinema. It’s very enjoyable to contrast him with the other characters in the film.

Oh, and the plot, in case you don’t know: A woman steals a large amount of money from her employer and drives from Arizona to California, where she eventually stops at the Bates Motel to figure out what to do next. Half-way into the movie, this woman, who has been our main character, is murdered while showering, leaving her sister and boyfriend to try and figure out what’s become of her.

Deranged – F
A yawn-fest from the same mind that brought you ‘Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things’, this film, like Psycho, is based off the unwholesome character of real-life murderer Ed Gein. In this film, our killer, named Ezra is a lonely, religious man, whose mother dies, but continues to speak to him. He digs her body up, and then digs up other bodies so he can make repairs to her. Eventually, he decides to do the same with the living, and cuts down four or five people, including the only person his mother warned him he could trust. I’ll admit, I can be a champion of 1970s low-budget horror movies, but this one just didn’t do it for me. None of the acting was all that great, the action was pretty slow, and easy to predict, and even the special effects of Tom Savini didn’t really win me over to this one. A narrator, who is inexplicably shown, and then inserted into the film to tell the audience what’s going on, is apparently invisible. Why that was necessary, I’ll never know.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre – A-
Another early Slasher film, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre is also based on killer Ed Gein. This is a much looser adaptation than Psycho and Deranged (which were in, and of themselves, not very accurate to the truth of Mr. Gein), and concerns a group of teenagers who drive out to an old farmhouse that used to be the home of a few of them. Next door, though, is a house full of animal bones, corpses, and a graveyard of cars. When two of the teens stop over to get directions to the local swimming hole, they are brutally slain by Leatherface, an enormous man that wears a severed human face to mask his own identity. Turns out, ol’ Leatherface is working in tandem with his brother, father and grandfather and there’s a method to their bloodshed (don’t eat the bbq!). This film succeeds by showing just enough to turn your stomach, without going into full-blown gore. The suggested action is horrific (a boy in a wheelchair is gutted with a chainsaw, a sexy co-ed is impaled on a meathook), and even the disturbing first shot containing Leatherface remains one of my favorite moments in cinema. The production effects are low, and the chase scenes get a little tired towards the end, but I defy you to find a horror film that does what this one does, only better.

Peeping Tom – B+
Perhaps one of the first films to use someone filming a movie within a movie technique, Peeping Tom is about a man who kills women by stabbing them, in the throat, with a tripod. These murder sequences are done as point-of-views from the killer’s camera, and later, it is revealed that he is editing these snuff sequences into an actual film. The man, in a complicated twist, falls in love with a tenant from his building. He longs to show her what he’s up to, but never wants her to become one of his victims. Made in 1960, this movie isn’t exactly bone-chilling, but it is very well put together, using film techniques which are all over the place today, and having a good cast, and solid suspense. This one is of particular note to those of you who are ashamed of how much you like to play with cameras…

Let’s Scare Jessica to Death – F
Almost as low-budget as you can get, this is a film about a woman who’s freshly returned from her stay at a mental hospital, and moving out into rural… somewhere USA with her husband and a family friend. Upon arriving at the home, they discover a female squatter who the married woman immediately takes a liking to, and offers to let her stay in the home. Big mistake! The married woman soon begins to believe the squatter is a vampire, and has turned the local townsfolk against them. Of course, she’s also crazy, and might be making the whole thing up. That’s the thing to mull over as you watch her seamlessly destroy her own credibility by reacting like no human being you’ve ever met again and again. The actors aren’t really up to the task, sadly, to make this any better than I’ve described it. Ironically, reading about this film in some old horror movie books I have is what inspired this whole challenge, and what a stinker it turned out to be.

Rosemary’s Baby – B+
A newly wed couple rents an apartment in New York, planning to start a family. Prospective Papa is a commercial actor waiting for his big break, and Rosemary seems like she’s going to be a stay-at-home mom. After meeting the very elderly neighbors, though, Rosemary has some rather vivid dreams about Christianity and being raped by the Devil, only to soon discover she has conceived. The doting elderly couple next door prescribes her a milk and herb mixture to drink every day, and hook her up with one of the best doctors in town, who feeds her a lot of foul herbs as well. Meanwhile, Rosemary’s husband’s career finally takes off. While in constant pain from her pregnancy, Rosemary begins to suspect there’s more to her neighbors than there seems, and becomes convinced that they are witches, determined to somehow use her baby as a sacrifice. Most of the film thereafter is spent with Rosemary trying to unearth the truth. The finale is particularly spectacular, concerning the closure we all crave to get. Sadly, the highly stylized dream sequences only happen twice, at the start of the film. If only there were more…

I Drink Your Blood – C+
A group of traveling Satanist hippies shack up in a town with a population of 40, and make the error of beating on one of the local girls during a ceremony. After finding their hideout, the girl’s grandfather tries to administer some justice, only to be foiled and force-fed some LSD. Upon his return, the original victim’s 12 year-old brother takes up the cause, taking the family shotgun out with him. He gets sidetracked by a rabid dog, though, which he ends up killing, and then comes up with the idea of taking the diseased blood of his kill, injecting it into some meat pies, and feeding those to the Satanists. This plan backfires further, when the rabid Satanists transmit their disease like wildfire through the small town. I really can’t say that this movie is groundbreaking in any way, shape, or form, but I loved it based purely on its campiness. This is a great movie to watch if you’re looking for a shlocky horror movie on a rainy Saturday night.

Frenzy – B-
There’s another killer on the loose in Britain. This one likes to strangle his victims with a necktie after raping them. This film focuses more on the exploits of a down on his luck man, with anger issues, but is mistakenly fingered as the murderer after his ex-wife becomes a victim. The film introduces the real killer early on, and dangles this fact at the audience by showing him destroy other important characters in the suspect’s life while the innocent man does everything in his power to evade capture. This leads to a very intense showdown. A very pretty film, with great sweeping shots of locations, Frenzy is a solid thriller, and a good effort from Hitchcock.

Bedlam – D
Probably the earliest film I watched in the challenge, Bedlam is about England in the 1770s, where a wealthy and powerful lord happens upon a mental institution where one of his men was interned, and mysteriously died. His protégé, a woman with a theatre background has a look around the institution, and goes back to her lord to ask him to improve conditions. The operator of the facility, played by Boris ‘Frankenstein’ Karloff, is a sadistic jerk, though, and manages to convince the lord to throw the woman into the loony bin. Once on the inside, the woman manages to befriend the other inmates, and touches their hearts enough into siding with her. Horror in the 40s was very different, and this film probably isn’t likely to scare anyone anymore. It does have a few nice touches to it, though, including a scene where the woman’s romantic interest visits her, and calls her name, only to have every inmate in the asylum parrot his call, confusing her as to who is really trying to call out to her. The ending is pretty sly, too.

The Innocents – C
An adaptation of Henry James’ “Turning of the Screw” concerns a woman being made into a governess of two young children, at the whim of their very uncaring uncle. She goes to their family home, having only a handful of servants for support. She makes fast friends with the little girl, but when the little boy comes home from school, mysteriously expelled, things begin to take a disturbing turn. The Governess is constantly seeing the ghosts of a man and a woman, and by asking the oldest member of staff about them, determines these ghosts are spirits of the previous governess and her lover. She becomes convinced that these ghosts mean to possess the little boy and girl, and she begins to administer her own brand of exorcism. This film is very slow, and personally, I got very sick of the cheery children, but the beautiful shots and sets make it worthwhile.

Rabid – B+
The second film by Canadian horrormaker David Cronenberg, Rabid concerns a young couple getting in a terrible motorcycle accident. The man suffers only a broken hand, but the woman is in critical condition, and has to be rushed to the nearest hospital for treatment, which is a plastic surgery clinic. Somehow, while transplanting a patch of her thigh to her underarm, a mutation occurs, leaving what I can only describe as an arm-clit on the girl’s underarm. This proceeds to make her hungry for only blood, and worse yet, any person she feeds from immediately suffers from a particularly violent version of rabies, which is transferred through saliva. This spreads so quickly that Montreal is put under martial law. The make-up effects of the rabid are very well done, and includes a lot of subtext, including hints of satire to the FLQ crisis (A Trudeau figure justifies martial law to a group of reporters). There’s a hole or two in the plot, but this film is a lot of fun, and could be argued that movies like 28 Days Later are derived from it.

Repulsion – B+
A beautiful Belgian woman, employed as a cosmetics aesthetician in London lives with her older sister, and has an aversion to sex. Or at least, that’s how it seems at first. When the older sister goes on holiday to Italy with her boyfriend, the girl begins to unhinge, and we the audience are treated to the decomposition of her sanity. She begins to see men in her apartment that aren’t there, has vivid dreams about being raped, watches the walls of her apartment crack and split, and leaves a skinned rabbit out to mold and rot. Eventually, this leads to her brief foray into murder. This movie is slow, and probably won’t appeal to non-cineophiles, but watching the psychology of our untalkative main character (who you really can’t call a heroine) plunge deeper and deeper into madness during a self-imposed isolation is pretty brilliant. Roman Polanski made some pretty great movies before his life went to shit.

Halloween – C-
Finally, the movie that is supposedly the father of modern slasher movies (even though it came out years after Black Christmas or Texas Chainsaw Massacre). Michael Meyers, a six year old boy, murders his sister one Halloween night, and gets to spend the next fifteen years of his life in a mental institution for his troubles. He breaks out, days before the fifteenth anniversary of his murder, and heads right back home to kill more women. Luckily, the doctor that’s studied him is hot on his trail, and manages to organize local law enforcement to start hunting the mad man down. Mike puts the knife to a few teenagers before being brought down in the end, and, as there’s a bazillion sequels, you can bet he kills a few more. This movie was engaging enough, but there are downsides to it. Like the soundtrack. It’s essentially the same few bars of music all the way through. Also, the characters aren’t overly likable, to the point you’re glad a lot of them get killed. Probably worth watching, if you like the classics, but if you’ve already seen it, and are considering watching it again, maybe watch some of the other films on the list.