Monster Mash Movie Marathon Month - Week 3

A day late, sure, but the content's all here, my lovelies.

This was a much more middle-of-the-road week (most of the entries are Cs or Ds. Sigh.), but there were some laughs to be sure.  Quite a few garnered a C+, but that seems kind of too convenient at the time of this writing (something, something, bell curve at the end of the month). An odd trifecta of 'show-biz' movies happened quite by accident (Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence > Madhouse > Targets), but was a pleasant surprise. The latter two films were more poignant in this regard, but don't be fooled, HC2 is also very much about show business (revolving around one specific film, but more on that later).

Here's how the grading system works:

A = Excellent, a must see

B = Very good, I’d watch it again

C = Worth Seeing

D = Maybe don’t bother

F = Worthless

+ = Superior for this grade

- = Just barely makes it into this grade

I caught some cross-talk for grading again (happens every year), so, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you folks that if it's not an F, I liked the movie at least a little (D's are usually a single element). So don't fret if I gave a movie you love a poor score - I'm just one man, with one set of tastes. 

On the subject of movies you love, I SPOIL EVERYTHING this week. It might not be in the first paragraph (see below review), but I absolutely do not care to hold things back. If you have a problem with this, close your browser and come back after you've seen the film (or maybe just skip to the next one... that's probably better for me). 

Let's get to it: 

The VVitch (Robert Eggers) - C+

It's early in the process of colonizing America, and William and his family choose to be exiled from their plantation somewhere in New England. They build a cabin and are fine, for a time, but events conspire to turn against them when baby Samuel vanishes while in the care of their eldest daughter, Thomasin. The family is overwrought, but it only gets worse when eldest son Caleb goes missing too. The family turns on one another, mostly blaming Thomasin (she's the perfect age for witchcraft). She hopes her name will be cleared once she finds Caleb, naked and hanging off the goat pen. The family rallies their frontier medicine to try and save the boy, but he dies, leaving the mother aghast, and the remaining children point fingers at one another desperately to escape punishment. William boards the rest of his children in the goat pen for the night, but the next morning, he wakes to find everything in the pen, except Thomasin, dead.  And that’s when the goat comes at him…

Look, straight up, this might be a better movie than I'm letting on. I can't argue that it's beautifully shot, nor that every single actor in it does a great job (even the child actors, who drive a good portion of the story). The supernatural effects are sparing, but effectively done (Caleb spitting up an apple was my favorite). The gore effects are few, but effective and realistic when they appear. The technical aspects of the film are nearly flawless.

Where it lost me was the story, especially the ending, in which everyone but Thomasin dies, and she wanders into the wilderness after she makes a pact with the devil (who suddenly appears on screen and is… some kind of thespian?) to becomes a witch herself. I've heard theories that this implies she was indeed a witch the whole movie, but I don't see how that's possible when a different woman takes Caleb, and another woman is in the goat pen when she and her younger siblings are boarded inside. Even the fact that Black Phillip, one of the family goats, was a conduit to Satan was an idea introduced too late into the movie that I can't help but feel it was a lazy decision (the only possible lead up to this choice was it having the same color eyes as the witch rabbit that was running around the woods). If you take the ending literally - that they're being plagued by a witch - then a bunch of the choices made by the characters are puzzling. For example, why not scour the woods for evil before immediately declaring your children the pawns of Satan? It all feels a little convenient, which, in a movie with strengths in so many other ways, is almost tragic. I felt cheated. It's still worth watching for its merits, though, and they are ample.

Elves (Jeff Mendel) - F

Kirsten, and her friends Amy and Brooke, go out into the woods to perform a ritual. It seems not to work, but – surprise, surprise - it does. Meanwhile, Mike, an ex-cop/ex security guard manages to get a job as a Santa after the last Santa mysteriously gets his balls cut off. The two characters unite when Kirsten's after-hours party at work is gunned down by some Germans. Mike, who happens to have been one of the greatest detectives on the force, quickly uncovers a Nazi conspiracy to crossbreed the creature with a perfect genetic sample to engineer a master race. Things get dicier still when it is revealed that Kirsten just so happens to be that perfect genetic sample (her ancestry, as it turns out, would make the Lannisters look normal), and she must be the mother of Elves. The only possible hope of salvation for Kirsten comes in the form of shoving a crystal back into the original hole she summoned the Elf out of in the first place. Gotta love when these things come full-circle.

This is a notoriously awful direct-to-video effort, starring Dan Haggerty, aka Grizzly Adams. His delivery is pretty unbelievable on some lines, but this might be the only charming aspect to the movie. There are kill scenes, but the gore is cheap. You get the occasional look at bare boobs or lingerie-clad ladies, but given the material they're disrobing for, you kind of feel bad for them. Everywhere Elves tries to win you over, it fails.

The premise, Nazis using mythical elves to form a master race, is pretty out there. The story happens on a pretty small scale, though, so it barely strays into irreverent Nazi humor. The only actress that pulls out a decent performance is Kirsten's reprehensible mother (who drowns the family cat, Agamemnon, in the toilet). She is a woman you'll absolutely love to hate, until she gets electrocuted in her bathtub. It has some wacky moments for sure, but there's better low budget efforts that achieve this end more successfully.

ZaAT (Don Barton & Arnold Stevens) - D-

Dr. Leopold will be laughed at no more. He injects himself with glowing goo, and turns into his ultimate weapon; ZaAT. A human/catfish hybrid. While still flying under the radar, the nightmarishly slow ZaAT first disposes of his colleagues that ridiculed his ideas, and injects his mutating agent (which, naturally, is highly radioactive) into local waterways to further his wicked schemes. But when he changes his focus to procuring a bride (by stealing ladies and giving them the ZaAT formula), he attracts the attention of the local sheriff, and Rex, a marine biologist. Finding that the local lakes and rivers are filthy with radiation, Rex calls in Walker and Martha from INPIT, a dedicated ecological survey organization. Will the combined forces of local law enforcement combined with INPIT be able to stop ZaAT? Or will he kill them all and spread his plague to the ocean?

It's the latter. And while this film is amateur to its celluloid bones, there's a lot of fun to be had with ZaAT. From the endless footage of marine life that pads the film's run-time, from the actor wearing the ZaAT suit (it's a rubber suit, in case you couldn't tell) constantly stumbling, to the most superficial wounds being fatal, to a soundtrack with lyrics written about the film, this baby is packed with the very best of b-movie charm. The sexual tension between the two INPIT employees is atrocious. The sheriff is a surprisingly charming character, who sits in on hippie love-ins, and then persuades the whole pack of them to get locked up in the county jail overnight - for their protection, of course. These gives the film a bit of goofy color, and I could not fail the film outright.

But, at the end of the day, ZaAT is a rubber-suited monster almost falling over, and terrorizing people around a body of water. It has heart, and it's certainly not the most godawful piece of crap under the sun, but it is definitely limited. But, when you compare it to something like Elves, ZaAT definitely feels like a cut above.

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (Tom Six) - C-

Martin is a deeply troubled man that works the security desk in a parking garage. He is also obsessed with the original Human Centipede movie. So obsessed, in fact, that he's been cooking up his own little plan: a human centipede made out of twelve people (four times the original number). Using his trusty gun and crowbar, Martin manages to get his dirty dozen - including an actress from the first film, Ashlynn Yennie, by lying to her agent and claiming she was up for a Tarantino audition - killing his mother, psychiatrist and a few other rotten apples in the process. Of course, Martin isn't a surgeon, like Dr. Heiter in the first film, so a lot of the work he does is... Let's say... Shoddy. He knocks teeth out with a hammer, injects them with laxatives so he can watch them poop, and otherwise torments them. Eventually, one of the pieces does manage to escape (a daring escape it is, though it is not without penalty), and then the damn thing comes apart, so it's back to the drawing board for Martin, and nighty night for the big centipede.

You're probably not going to believe this, but Centipede 2 is actually a pretty engaging movie. I absolutely can't recommend it, as it is blatantly disgusting in many, many different ways (if you've seen it, you might notice I pulled some punches in the above synopsis), yet, thematically, it's more interesting than its predecessor. Martin (who despite being a gross, little bastard is arguably our protagonist) never utters a word through the film, and the look and mannerism of actor Laurence R. Harvey is spot on. Martin has been tortured endlessly through life, and, if he wasn't on this reprehensible killing spree, probably would be subject to any number of awful fates himself (his mother attempts to murder him on screen BEFORE she finds out about his obsession, his psychiatrist is angling to use his sexually abusive past to rape him, and I'm sure that’s just the tip of his life's iceberg). You never feel bad for Martin (he is too disgusting to identify with), but you understand that a life so tragic has consequences. The first hour of the film is kind of sickly fascinating. You don't want Martin to succeed, but literally everyone he comes across is also a piece of shit, and with few exceptions, you don't feel bad for them either. It moves along at a good clip too, largely without dialogue. Add all this to the black and white filming, and you almost feel like you're watching the most intense student art film ever made

But, the last 30 minutes (the fateful surgery, and the events following it) are gross beyond measure. Definitely not for the faint of heart. Supposedly, Tom Six was given carte blanche to be as repugnant as he wanted, and he went big. Given the bleak world the characters live in, you don't expect anyone to make it (the escape was a genuine surprise), and sure enough, no one really does. As I've said, this is not a popcorn movie or something to watch on a date night, this one is for tortureporn fanatics, gorehounds and horror movie aficionados. I might not have given it an F, but John Q. Public almost certainly would.

Madhouse (Jim Clark) - B-

Paul Toombes seems to have it all. His Dr. Death a character, a fixture in 50s and 60s horror, is doing quite well, he has an excellent partnership with his writer, Henry, and he has just gotten engaged to Eleanor, a co-star. But, at a Hollywood party, Eleanor is decapitated, her body discovered by Paul, causing him to have a psychiatric break. Three years later, Paul is released, and Henry begins to push him back into his film franchise. Almost immediately though, the starlets working in his reboots are murdered. The film wants you to believe Toombes is hypnotized by seeing his old character on screen, compulsively causing him to slay people, but he's actually being framed by Henry. Henry had written the Dr. Death character for himself, and has carried a grudge against his old friend ever since Toombes got the part. Toombes only find this out by spectacularly faking his own death in a fire, and coming after Henry once everyone assumes he was done for. Classic Price.

Made by the same team that made MMMMM favorite The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Madhouse stars Vincent Price and Peter Cushing, and offers a silly, if not effective, look at the life of a horror star in the 70s. It's unlikely the character of Toombes is directly allegorical to Price, but one can't help but wonder, as the character rubs shoulders with genre icons playing themselves (friends of Price, like Basil Rathbone and Boris Karloff have fun cameos), if there's not a bit of Price in Toombes. The script is more or less a formality, with the slayings serving to drive the mystery ever onward. What you're really here to see is Price ham his way through confrontations, and otherwise be a darling of the silver screen.

But there's more to like: some of the gore effects are strikingly well done (like Eleanor's head coming off), and some of the kill scenes are downright hysterical (the killer skewers two grieving parents attempting to blackmail Toombes on a sword). This is all in keeping with Price's other 70s AIP efforts, and while Madhouse has more polish, I'd still say watch Phibes first, as it is arguably more entertaining (if not formulaic). Nevertheless, Madhouse is just good fun, and goofy to the extreme.

Targets (Peter Bogdanovich) - C+

Byron Orlok is a Hollywood horror star that long for retirement (played by horror movie legend Boris Karloff in the twilight of his own career). Bobby is a young man that has a few screws loose. These are our two protagonists, and they drive the movie in very different ways. Byron deals with trying to mysteriously get out of all acting-related appointments (including introducing one of his old movies at the local drive-in). Bobby, seemingly inexplicably, goes on a killing spree, first blowing away his inattentive wife, his mother, and some young fella helping them bring the groceries in. The two plots come together in the final act, when Byron has a change of heart and decides to make his drive-in appearance after all. Bobby just so happened to hole up at the same drive-in to lose the cops after the last leg of his shooting affair. Bobby, a crack shot thanks to his conservative father, has problems with fleeing his sniper nests, and an angry mob seeks him out after he causes more carnage. Byron finds him first, literally slaps him silly, and then the police take him away. The End.

It feels almost like you're watching two different movies. Bobby's story feels like pure exploitation cinema (how many people can this man gun down before he's stopped?), While Byron's story feels almost like an anachronistic drama. Who cares why grandpa doesn't want to make movies anymore? There's a dude taking shots at motorists on the freeway! Don't get me wrong, most of the fun moments in the movie happen in the Byron storyline. But that's not why anybody saw this movie - they came to watch a man snap and start shooting people. Surprisingly, however, for such a violent film, it's pretty light on gore (perhaps not that surprising, in 1968 gore effects were unheard of, except in super obscure gorehound features, such as the works of Herschell Gordon Lewis). All you get are smears of red paint, and even those are sparse.

I picked this film because it was highly regarded, and yet very few people bring up Targets in casual discussion of 60s horror cinema. I theorize that this likely has to do with the frightening rate at which many Americans seem to be saying 'fuck it', and gunning down as many people as they can these days. In the modern landscape of reality, Targets may hit a little too close to home. Most of the literature I’ve read on the film claim that Bobby was a Vietnam vet, but for the life of me, I do not recall seeing a scene in which this is explicitly stated or alluded to. At the time, this was a fresh premise that was likely seeking a new way to scare a movie-going audience. Now movie-goers need to watch out for a Bobby of their own.

So, how was the movie? A little uneven. Karloff steals the show as a doddering old star that wants to be done with his life. The implication of the ending is that he faced death (Bobby only grazes him in the head as he comes in for the slaps), and no longer has to worry about it. That's fine, I suppose. Ironically, Madhouse also deals with the story of an actor past his prime struggling to remain relevant. The difference is Madhouse comes at this theme from a fun angle, as opposed to a dramatic one. Writer/Director Peter Bogdanovich (who would go on to direct The Last Picture Show) also plays the part of Sammy, an aspiring nebbish scriptwriter that is incensed by Orlok not reading the screenplay he wrote before his sudden retirement. He's dating Orlok's assistant, Jenny (who happens to be Chinese - something the script reminds us endlessly). None of these goings-on are overly dramatic or captivating, and are a world away from the actions of Bobby, who, once he starts killing people, doesn't really say another word. What we end up with is almost a Hitchcockian thriller, but without a lot of the flair of the renowned master of suspense. Bogdanovich has a good eye for framing and unique cinematic shots, but the editing is kind of wacky here and there (This was a very early film in his repertoire, and today is considered the peer of directors like fellow Hitchcock-“Borrower” Brian de Palma and Francis Ford Coppola). Ultimately, Targets is a worthwhile film, but our modern expectations of this sort of violence make it feel awfully tame.

Cat People (Jacques Tourneur) - C+

Oliver and Irena fall in love after a conversation. Within a couple of months, they are married, but there is a problem: Irena, a native of Serbia, believes she will turn into a ferocious panther if she is roused by passion or jealousy, so no kissing (and presumably that goes double for making whoopee)! Oliver sets her up with a psychiatrist, Dr. Judd, but he's got other issues: his coworker Alice tells him she's in love with him, and darn it, he might just love her back. Irena gets wind of this, and begins stalking Alice. Oliver, wanting a simple annulment of his marriage attempts to reason with Irena, but instead, she almost ambushes him, along with Alice at their workplace. They manage to get Irena to come to her senses, and she flees to Dr. Judd. The good doctor attempts to make a move on her, leading her wild side out, and she slays him as a panther. Distraught, she runs to the local zoo, where she commits suicide by freeing a hungry, regular panther. Panthers, man! They'll fuckin' kill ya.

Cat People has all the charms of a well-made film of its day, but its supernatural elements are ill-defined. Director Tourneur is a visionary of camerawork (and possibly the best horror director of the 40s and 50s), but this feels inferior to his film I watched last year, Curse of the Demon. While you cannot argue that the film is breathtaking, both in set pieces and camera work, it's story is just a little slow to develop. Scenes that happen by midway through the film dispel any notion that Irena is wrong about what she is, so why continue to try and fool us? It would have been impossible for a 1940s film to reasonably fake a panther, but the tamed panther in the movie looks bored and confused. That's kind of how I felt too.

It's a rich film, full of dazzling sets, and a cracking romance. Scenes that seem inconsequential upon first viewing likely foreshadow later scenes (Irena feeds the zoo panther a dead canary earlier, likely a nod to her later slaying by that same panther). There are even some genuinely frightening moments (such as when Alice senses someone, or something, following her as she walks the streets at night. Visually, this is the best sequence of the entire film) But as grand as all this is, it has trouble holding up to other films of its ilk (I Walked With a Zombie, another superior Tourneur film, springs to mind). The leading actors do a good job, but much like the VVitch, I found myself wanting more from the story.

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The next week is already underway, starting with 1970's The Vampire Lovers. We're only just halfway through the month now, but the choices are getting fewer and fewer. For sure, this week, I'll be checking out the Canadian coming-of-age werewolf movie Ginger Snaps (Thursday!), and much, much more. 

See you next week, horror homies. 

Monster Mash Movie Marathon Month - Week 5

Well, lookee here! I actually made it all the way through my horror month (like I always do) AND managed to get my reviews written for every single movie on the list (a thing not successfully done since 2009, the first year I did this). 

Before we get into this one more time, let's have a look at the rating scale: 

A = Excellent, a must see

B = Very good, I’d watch it again

C = Worth Seeing

D = Maybe don’t bother

F = Worthless

+ = Superior for this grade

- = Just barely makes it into this grade

 And the usual disclaimers: the grades may be altered between here and my initial facebook post regarding them. Also, I SPOIL THE FUCK OUT OF THESE MOVIES!! This week, especially, I feel I tread into heavy spoiler territory, perhaps unnecessarily. But, either way, you HAVE. BEEN. WARNED.

Wolf Creek (Greg McLean) - F

Three young people, Lizzie and Kristy, from England, and Ben from Sydney, are traveling around rural Australia to see some sights. The girls are old friends, but Ben is just some dude they met in their travels. Lizzie has the hots for him, we learn, as the trio travels. Eventually, they arrive at Wolf Creek to see a spectacular crater caused by a meteorite colliding in that spot during prehistoric times. When they return to their car, however, it will not start. Eventually, a man, Mick, arrives in a truck and offers to tow them back to his property, where he just so happens to have the parts they'll need to fix their car.  They agree, and, eventually, the trio makes it to Mick’s place and have some drinks with him. They then fall asleep by the camp fire. Lizzie later awakens, bound and gagged in a room all by herself. She resourcefully frees herself, and sneaks around the camp, locating Kristy, who is mid-torture at the hands of Mick. Lizzie sets a fire, lures Mick away, and frees Kristy. The pair end up shooting Mick, but he doesn't die. They flee, but in their hurry, the girls almost send themselves over a cliff. They ditch their car, and wait for Mick to find it and go off to search for them. Lizzie insists on going back to the camp to get another car, but Kristy, who's had more than enough torture, elects to stay behind. Lizzie spends too much time snooping around Mick's camp, and ends up being captured (and never seen again). Kristy, fearing for her life, makes it to the highway, and is almost rescued, but Mick manages to track her down, and after a car chase, executes her. Ben then wakes up to find himself crucified. He pulls himself off of his nails, and escapes. An implied court case suggests Ben was blamed initially for the deaths of Lizzie and Kristy, but was eventually cleared. Mick remains at large.

Wolf Creek is an exercise in frustration. It takes a long time for anything to happen, and when it does, our heroines almost manage to survive. Had they only had the foresight to deliver a coup de gras - which, if you're being tortured by someone, and you want to be sure they're dead, seems to be perfectly acceptable to me - they would have made it. But instead, they fail. And they fail hard. And because of that failure, the rest of the proceedings just seem like a given. Lizzie's plan, to return to Mick's place after escaping to get another car, is especially dimwitted. When you consider that their enemy isn't a supernatural monster, just a dude that has a severe neck injury and a gun, they should feel a little bit more empowered to just get the fuck out of there.

There are some pretty shots of the Australian sky, and John Jarratt that plays Mick puts in an entertaining performance, but the negatives far outweigh the positives for me. Most heinous is the notion that this is a true story (just like every horror movie from the 2000s). If that's so, only Ben's story would be accurate. And since his story is waking up crucified, and escaping without incident, 100% of the English girls' scenes would be made up (including the only proof that Mick had anything to do with them being stranded). However, the reality is, much like every horror film that advertises being based on true events, Wolf Creek is based on true events that are in no way represented by what's shown in the film. Inspired by real life events might be more accurate to claim.

Salo (or the 120 Days of Sodom) (Pier Paolo Pasolini) - B-

In the last year of fascist Italy during World War 2, four of the richest men in the country assemble their daughters, four old prostitutes, four well-endowed soldiers, nine teenage boys and nine teenage girls (the teenagers taken by force) for what the men consider the greatest of orgies. The captives are told that they have no rights, and are thought to be dead by their loved ones. Then it gets dark. Based on the equally infamous 120 Days of Sodom by the Marquis de Sade (and a little tiny bit of Dante’s Inferno), Salo is split into four parts; the Anteferno, the Circle of Manias, the Circle of Shit and the Circle of Blood and the events in each segment follow those overarching themes (including rape, shit-eating [and more rape], and finally torture and dismemberment). That's pretty much the entire plot. No one gets away. The end.

While it sounds like the aristocrats, this movie is notorious for being utterly vile, but also lauded for being expressive and beautiful. I try to be really analytical when I watch these films, and I knew I'd have my work cut out for me with Salo. I will be the first to admit that it is technically brilliant. Almost any shot in the film could be a painting - you rarely get to see horror films this pretty. Director Pasolini films everything from a distance (except for the gruesomeness of the finale), which serves to really make the viewer feel like a voyeur. The message of the film is that power corrupts everything it touches (even some of the teenagers rat out their fellows in an attempt to escape harm). It is stark, and unfeeling in its portrayal of evil deeds being done to young people. Even in the finale, when many of the young ones are scalped and otherwise mutilated, we cannot hear the activity - merely the music that the spying fascist listens to. It's all done in such a removed fashion, that you can't help but feel part of the show. And on that level, Salo is a remarkable film that utterly succeeds in bringing its audience to the point of feeling disturbed. And it is for this unbelievably effective method of using the camera to convey this, as well as the sheer beauty of the film, I give it its controversially high rating.

But that's about all I can say in its defense. Ironically, while I certainly wouldn't consider Salo tame, I think a life of watching whatever the hell I want to see, whenever I want to see it on the internet has largely desensitized me to the less outrageous moments in the film (that or watching a horror movie a day in October). While I'll admit there's a lot more going on in this movie technically, I cannot recommend more strongly that you keep the fuck away from it. It's definitely not the kind of thing most human beings ever want to be subjected to. Any moments of levity in the film are pretty grave, and because the protagonists are depraved monsters that can't (and won't) be stopped, this film is indescribably difficult to watch. You'll have a lot of trouble seeing its merits if you're expecting any narrative at all. Or expecting a happy ending. There is no hope in Salo, for its victims or for the viewer. You're just there to watch. Really, this film writes the book on the old content vs. form debate when it comes to cinema. Salo's content is monstrous, nigh unwatchable, but the way it presents it is both stylistically perfect and perversely intelligent.

Two Thousand Maniacs! (Herschell Gordon Lewis) - F

Two cars are intentionally redirected from the highway to Atlanta by locals of Pleasant Valley. These cars, containing three couples from up North, are stopped in town by overenthusiastic Mayor Buckman, and the Yankees are informed that they're guests of honor of Pleasant Valley's centennial celebration. This basically amounts to the locals dividing the men and women from one another, and murdering them in sadistic, far-fetched ways (the tamest being axe murder, the wildest being rolled down a hill in a barrel full of nails). One of the guests, history teacher Tom White, quickly deduces that the centennial is celebrating the end of the Civil War, leading he and Terry, one of the ladies, to escape (which is surprisingly easy, when they fool a local child into helping them). Tom and Terry make it to the state police, who seem dubious of their story - Pleasant Valley hasn't existed for 100 years. The survivors attempt to lead the officer to the town, but found it has vanished. And sure enough, the final scene confirms that the entire town of Pleasant Valley were vengeful ghosts all along.

This film, like all Herschell Gordon Lewis films, is a vehicle for its gore effects. When made in the mid-60s, Lewis was a pioneer of special effects to simulate disgusting wounds. This is only the second film by Lewis, and while you can argue that it has a more cohesive plot than some of his other work, those effects just aren't very special any more. In fact, of all the slayings, only the first shows any class (a pretty real looking thumb severing, followed by an arm being hacked off with an axe). The rest is just a lot of red paint and suggestion.

There's nothing uniform about the film. From the performances of the actors, to the dissolution of tension due to (probably) improvised lines, to sound levels that are consistently off, pretty much everything is amateur. There's a pretty lively bluegrass soundtrack that was probably recorded just for the film, and sure enough, the band is part of the cast. Sadly, the effects in this one aren't even half as sick as the ones in the only other Lewis film I've seen, The Wizard of Gore. I gave that one an F too. The trade-off between the two films is that Two Thousand Maniacs! is a better finished product overall, but the main event - those proto-gore effects I keep mentioning - are just crappy by comparison to Lewis' later film. Neither one are truly great films, though both of them have more than a few unintended laughs, so, at least you have that to look forward to.

Honeymoon (Leigh Janiak) - D

Bea and Paul are on their honeymoon, in a cottage up in Canada, owned by Bea's family. However, on their first night there, Paul finds Bea sleepwalking naked in the woods. Following this, Bea starts exhibiting strange behavior, such as not remembering how to make coffee, and forgetting many details of her relationship with Paul. When Paul discovers what looks like bite marks on Bea's inner thighs, he suspects her of carrying out an affair with Will, a childhood friend of Bea's that operates a restaurant nearby. Paul goes to confront Will, but can only find his haggard wife, Annie. Annie displays a lot of the same symptoms as Bea, and warns Paul to get away from her. Back at the house, Paul is confronted by Bea - who has been impregnated by aliens, and is trying to save Paul from a grisly extra-terrestrial fate.

I didn't enjoy this one too much, as it takes far too long to get to its admittedly decent twist ending. The breadcrumbs of what's happened to Bea are not impossible to note as the film progresses, but a large part of Honeymoon is Bea obviously lying to Paul, and Paul being miserable. And saying things over and over and over again. This does have a purpose, we need to have the things discussed ingrained in us to make us understand that Bea is being body-snatched. But when the tension is largely kept between two characters, it gets old fast.

Though, again, I must admit, the ending is a neat one, when compared to the rest of the film. Because of the film's setting (a cabin in the woods) and Bea's sleepwalking, you expect this one to take a supernatural turn, not a Sci-fi one. But even so, it's too little too late. You never once believe that Bea is all right. And having her try to convince Paul (and thereby convince us) that she is as the central drama of the film is a waste of the viewer's time. This could have potentially been thwarted by including Annie and Will in the story slightly more (literally the only other characters in the story), but since Annie is a major clue to Bea's condition, this isn't done. To make matters worse, the film is also shot in a fairly boring fashion. We get a lot of close ups on faces to show the actors emotions, but not a lot of long shots to show anything else.

Witchfinder General (Michael Reeves) - B

It is the mid-1600s, and England is embroiled in a civil war. The loyalists to the King are seemingly losing to Cromwell's Parliamentary army. In the wake of the chaos, a man named Matthew Hopkins (played by MMMMM favorite, Vincent Price) is a lawyer that has been given special privilege to seek out and destroy witches. He and his reprehensible partner, John Sterne, travel the countryside, summoned by townsfolk as they go to murder pretty much anyone the communities want to see gone. Hopkins and Sterne aren't above such things as bribery, rape and other such horrors, and they employ questionable methods of torture (my favorite was stabbing a man in the back four times before having a couple of goons run him around the room in circles). One of their victims however, is Sara, who gives herself willingly to Hopkins in an attempt to save her father from his justice. Hopkins accepts her offered body, but Sterne rapes her not long after, and then they kill her father anyway (who knew how to swim, and therefore was an obvious minion of Satan). Sara's betrothed, Richard Marshall, is a Parliamentary soldier, who promises revenge on Hopkins. The rest of the film is largely a cat and mouse game, with Marshall first chasing Hopkins, and then Marshall being stalked, and convicted by Hopkins. The over-very-quickly finale has Marshall’s men arriving at the very last moment to watch him free himself and brutally slay Hopkins and Sterne (Sara's fate is unclear).

Witchfinder General (or, as it is better known, The Conqueror Worm) is largely an adventure epic, starting with a tense battle scene, and constantly referring to the civil war. In fact, the only real horrific scenes are the executions, which the film takes great pains to explain to us are horrible affairs. But, in doing so, and by showing us the gleeful faces of the audiences, it truly sets the mood for the period correctly. Most of the film is shot outdoors, which lends a sort of authenticity to what you're watching - it's impossible to realistically light many of the shots, leading to some fantastic shadows, but also has a habit of obscuring what's on screen.

It's a shame the finale happens so quickly, as the confrontation between Marshall and Hopkins is such a driving force that it can't help but be dramatic - which I suppose it is. Marshall stomps Sterne's eye into goop, and then dispatches Hopkins with an axe, the result of which is probably the most bloodless axe murdering I've seen on screen. But because of how fast it wraps up, we aren't really given much reflection on the events, or any closure for the characters. Still, given the dressing of almost every shot in the film, this is a minor complaint, and Witchfinder General is an excellent Vincent Price selection (even if he plays it entirely straight - I tend to likes my Vincent Price hammy).

Curse of the Demon (Jacques Tourneur) - B+

We open on the murder of Professor Harrington at the hands of a demon. Enter John Holden, an American author that is traveling to England to speak at a convention for paranormal investigators. Holden is a skeptic, through and through, that is startled to learn of Harrington’s death. Holden was a colleague of his, and now must take over his speaking points at the convention, chiefly an expose of the satanist cult led by Doctor Karswell. Learning that Harrington met with Karswell the night he was killed, Holden soon finds himself constantly encountering  Karswell, who naturally wants him to drop the exposé. When Holden refuses, Karswell curses him to die in three nights. Meanwhile, Holden has met with Harrington’s colleagues and niece, Joanna. Holden takes a liking to Joanna immediately, but she warns him to take the curse more seriously. Eventually, Holden learns that Karswell has slipped a piece of runed paper on his person, which is both the source of his curse and his chance of survival. All Holden has to do is get Karswell to take the paper back, before the demon comes for his soul.

For a 50s movie, there's a lot to like about Curse of the Demon. The action proceeds at a good pace, we have a suitable villain in Karswell (who even dresses up like a clown and invites children over on Halloween), and the familiar struggle of science vs. faith. The latter isn't a fresh premise, but it is handled better here than by most films of its day. There aren't many surprises, in terms of where the story goes, but frankly, there doesn't really need to be. Of course Holden is going to crush Karswell! Holden is a total hunk, and Karswell is a weird little man with a goatee, that lives with his mother (who unwittingly betrays Karswell to Holden and Joanna many, many times), and turns magic tricks, in clownface, for strange children. It's no contest. But getting there is the story, and it's a rich one. Typical of bigger budget films for its time, Night of the Demon is spectacularly lit, features great outdoor scenery (spooky woods!), and even has a scene where a house cat turns into a jaguar and wrestles a dude.

The special effects used in the film are sparing. You only see the demon at the very start and finale of the film. While the creature effect is impressive, it is perhaps overly ambitious, and ultimately shows the limitations of its age. Thankfully, director Tourneur (who also directed the excellent genre classic I Walked With a Zombie) understands that the story is driven by character, and Holden struggling to maintain skepticism in the face of obvious satanistic entities (if a fucking demon shows up to murder you, it’s kind of hard to argue God probably exists) is a strong arc thanks to his fantastic direction. Unless you have some bizarre aversion to black and white films, this is a solid choice to treat yourself to.

The Human Centipede: First Sequence (Tom Six) - C-

Two friends, Lindsay and Jenny, are traveling across Europe, when they run into car trouble in Germany. At a loss, and incapable of speaking the language, the two stumble upon the home of Dr. Heiter, who thankfully speaks English. Heiter is at first welcoming, but after serving the girls dosed water, he makes it clear he has darker intentions. Lindsay and Jenny awaken to find themselves strapped to hospital beds, alongside another man Heiter has abducted. This man is killed by Heiter, and is soon replaced by a Japanese man (the credits call him Katsuro, but he’s never properly introduced) the doctor finds elsewhere. He reveals his wicked scheme to the trio; he intends to stitch them into a single creature, a human centipede. After explaining that teeth will be removed and mouths will be grafted to anuses, the Katsuro and Jenny are sedated, but Lindsay manages to free herself. Heiter and Lindsay play cat and mouse for a while, but eventually Lindsay is recaptured, and Heiter informs her she will be the centre segment. Heiter performs the surgery, with the Katsuro at the front, Lindsay in the middle as promised, and Jenny at the rear. Heiter breaks their spirit, and almost has them convinced escape is futile. Just then, two police officers arrive to interrogate Heiter about the missing tourists. Heiter, who had been inspecting the centipede and determined Jenny’s imminent death from an infection around her jaw, admits the officers and drugs them, with the intent of using them to replace her. During their interrogation, Heiter refuses their demand to search the premises, prompting the officers to leave and obtain a search warrant (their roofies have yet to kick in). Heiter is then ambushed by the centipede, which managed to get its hands on a scalpel. This leads to a low speed chase as the centipede attempts to escape, and a wounded Heiter pursues them. When cornered, the Katsuro dramatically takes his own life. Before Heiter can react, the police return, just starting to feel the effects of Heiter's drugs. In the final confrontation, Heiter and both police officers are killed, and soon after Jenny succumbs to her infection and dies. Lindsay is the only one left alive, but she is stitched between two dead bodies, and cannot move.

I wasn't expecting a lot from The Human Centipede: First Sequence, and it was a pleasant surprise. The reputation that this film has garnered has led some to believe it is the grossest movie ever made, but in truth (and when compared to films that might actually deserve that title, like Salo), it's actually fairly tame. The surgery scene is blissfully short, and doesn't show any connection of ass to mouth. There is only one brief scene of the... Um... Recycling of food (and only from Katsuro to Lindsay, not all the way down the chain), and though the finale was fairly bloody, even this isn't overdone. The principle setting, Heider's home, is very well photographed throughout, often seeming like a perplexing labyrinth when characters chase one another through it. I'd even go as far to say that The Human Centipede: First Sequence is an absurd, dark comedy with a supremely dry tone. The starkly bleak ending really drives this home. The devil in this one is in the details – for example, Katsuro being the head of the centipede, is only able to speak Japanese, a language no other character in the film understands. Neither of the girls can speak, due to their surgery. Concepts like this are inherently charming (in a sick way). To director Six’s credit, he never takes a moment to allow the characters to pick up on this small absurdities or the audience to reflect on his sense of humor, he just keeps the story moving.

The true problem with the film, in my opinion, is that not enough happens. Really, it's just a cookiecutter mad scientist story that managed to hype its way into everyone's deepest fears. Heiter abducts people, one tries to escape, fails, the experiment happens, and the fallout destroys everything it touches. If you don't care for horror movies, or aren't super familiar with the genre, I can see this movie being repulsive. But if you know about the actual hard to watch stuff, The Human Centipede: First Sequence is kind of mediocre. And what's more, director Tom Six has gone on to direct a sequel, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), which actually pulls out all the stops. As it stands, this film isn't bad, not at all, but it’s not really anything noteworthy either. Not even for its gross-out moments. It's a novelty at best.

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And so ends the Monster Mash Movie Marathon Month for another year, gang! I'll be posting a little something to summarize my films by grade, and to thank everyone for putting up with my endless stream of horror quotes (and conversations) through the month. Thank you very much for reading, and I hope to see you all right here next year.