This week sees the first two Fs in the bunch. But it also sees another A- (see? Toldja it might get bell-curved), and what might be the best werewolf movie made since An American Werewolf in London. If that doesn't intrigue you, I don't know what will.
So, a recap on my rating scale:
A = Excellent, a must see
B = Very good, I’d watch it again
C = Worth Seeing
D = Maybe don’t bother
F = Worthless
+ = Superior for this grade
- = Just barely makes it into this grade
And, as usual, dear reader, take this moment to be aware that I WILL SPOIL THINGS for you here. True, I'm doing a much better job of not relaying the entire plot beat for beat, but, smarter readers will absolutely be able to read between the lines and see me for what I am: A GD ruiner!
Also, keep an eye out for those NSFW clips I may or may not have peppered through this article. You guys do look at that stuff, don't you? I put some really fun moments in there for you! Honest!
But enough about me. Let's get to the reviews.
The Monster Squad (Fred Dekker) - C+
100 years ago, the forces of good sealed Dracula up, hoping the eternal struggle was over. They blew it. Old Drac returns, and starts laying havoc in a sleepy town, a town that's home to the Monster Squad, a team of youngsters that really knows their horror movies. There's Sean, the leader, Patrick, the best friend, Fat Kid, the... fat kid, and Rudy, the badass. Dracula recruits some other monsters, a werewolf, a mummy, a merman and Frankenstein's Monster to help him trounce the boys, who are trying to perform the ritual all over again, with the aid of Sean's cop dad, and some other outside help. Will good triumph over evil at last?
It's not War and Peace, I'll grant you, but in this genre, it doesn't have to be. The Monster Squad is basically The Goonies Meet Dracula, but there's enough fun to be had from that premise that you won't feel it get stale. The monster effects are decent (you'd expect no less from Stan Winston), but the Mummy and Gillman especially look pretty goofy. While children may be the stars, there's plenty for adults to enjoy here (the most consistently funny character is Sean's Dad's partner in the police force, who is that special kind of doomed, cynical wise-ass), but many of the gags in the movie hit hard. You could nitpick things about it all day (most baffling to me was how Frankie betrays Vlad and the gang almost immediately), but that's not really the point with a film like this. Either it makes you laugh, or it doesn't, and The Monster Squad made me laugh.
"But wait, Ed," you say. "You always complain about child actors, so what about these ones?" You've got me there. The child actors are largely pretty abysmal, but the jokes play just as well despite this. The youngest kids manage to pull off cuteness that transcends their lack of skill, though the older boys didn't work as well for me. Never the less, if your movie features Dracula throwing a bunch of dynamite into a child's tree house, and then drops an action movie style one-liner on us while walking away, who cares how good or bad the kids are? I'd almost say this movie was designed to introduce young children to horror, if not for all the cussing.
But don't let that stop you.
House (Steve Miner) - F
Horror writer Roger Cobb has inherited his great aunt's house. It's something of a curse, as the old house was the last known whereabouts of his long-missing son, an event that led to Roger's divorce from his soap opera star wife. While working on his next book, a retelling of his awful experiences in Vietnam, Roger begins to experiencing strange happenings in the house, immediately concluding it must be haunted. With the not-so-useful help of Harold (Cheers star, George Wendt), Roger attempts to get to the bottom of what's going down in the old, creepy house. Perhaps his son's soul can yet be saved...
It's just boring. That's all I can really say about House. Nothing about it really grabbed me as innovative or even interesting. I don't care if Cobb's boy comes home or his wife comes back to him, because every character is underwritten. Most of the jokes fall flat as can be, and even the comic relief stylings of real life souse George Wendt can't possibly make me care. Even Roger's frequent Vietnam flashbacks, which attempt to break up the stale narrative, are boring, unfunny and predictable.
Are there things to like? Sure. First and foremost, you've got the creature effects, which, for 1986, could have been much, much worse. Every monster that needs special effects looks pretty good, and are shown sparingly enough that you don't see the flaws. There's also a scene with some neat film-making panache, where Roger is at a book signing, and we get a shot/reverse shot of Cobb answering the questions of his onslaught of fans. But even these aspects don't come close to making up for the rest. Keep this one obscure.
You're Next (Adam Wingard) - C-
The Davison family is having a reunion dinner. There's many characters involved, but the principles seem to be Crispin, and his girlfriend Erin. Over dinner, the family comes under attack from mysterious masked men who have been stalking the family home. Erin, as it turns out, is a survivalist of some skill, and she leads the family against the murderous home-invaders. Can she manage to get the Davisons to stop quarrelling long enough to save themselves from their assured destruction?
I was prepared to hate this movie. It's build up isn't hugely satisfying. The kills are a little lacklustre (the piano wire kill should be far more satisfying to the viewer than it is). It throws kind of a clever twist at you about 2/3s of the way in, but given how many cast members are left at that stage, it's hard not to see it (or a variation along this theme) coming. Most of the characters feel poorly developed, and even though it sports a huge cast initially, you've seen the home invasion cat and mouse game so many times in this genre, that you're left hungry for something more. The gore is pretty well-handled, and even quite gritty in some places, but often it's done for laughs, and comedy mixed with bloody realism is a tough line to walk.
What saves You're Next is the final act, which is a rare enough concept in the genre, since endings are probably the hardest thing to pull off. The film lives or dies with the character of Erin, not only because she is our protagonist, but because the entire premise revolves around her skill at not being killed. When Erin finally goes on the offence, not only the action, but the story too, improves dramatically. Sharni Vinson, playing the role of Erin, does a fine job, but her acting isn't what sells it, it's the characters arc, and the entire notion of her character being there. You never see a victim take the turn into full blown murder hero like you do in You're Next, and for that alone, it's worth a watch.
Carnival of Souls (Herk Harvey) - A-
Mary is the sole survivor of a car crash, but she doesn't let that slow her down - she's off to Utah to become a church organist. On her way to her new life, she begins to see a terrifying man stalking her wherever she goes. To make matters worse, odd occurrences afflict the young woman; she's grown detached from emotional and physical attraction, sometimes she appears to phase out of existence, and the man continues to find her, no matter where she goes. Mary finds herself strangely attracted to a deserted carnival pavilion near her new town, but no one wants to take her there. Soon Mary appears to be losing her mind, she loses her job for lack of faith (despite being a virtuoso), and she quickly starts to run out of friends. She returns to the pavilion to try to find answers one last time.
Carnival of Souls is breathtaking. While it's not without its flaws, there is perhaps no better representation of a nightmare on film. Though realism is kept to an absolutely fanatic extent, scenes in the second half of the film are sure to remind countless viewers of the helplessness of being stuck in a horrid dream. The phantoms Mary encounters are poorly made up, but it works. They're just distinguishable enough from people that you can tell the difference, and understand Mary's horror. Chief amongst these ghouls is The Man, portrayed by director Herk Harvey, whose delivery ranges from hammy to terrifying, but Mary's reaction to him seals the deal for us.
As I said, not all performances are superb; Mary is a little hard to take at times, but the ultimate annoying character is Mr. Linden, Mary's neighbour at the rooming house. While certainly more natural than many of the extras, Linden's portrayal of a love-starved, persistent asshole is grating. But it's important to note that Carnival of Souls was made at a time when cinema was in flux from the more theatrical style of the 30s, 40s and 50s to the more realistic mode we know today (thanks in no small part to genre-mate Psycho). This drastic change to the way movies told their stories is more than enough of an explanation for the shortcomings of Carnival of Souls. Ultimately, this title transcends its problems, and creates an absolutely captivating finale.
I actually successfully guessed the ending plot-twist from the first scene (not a tremendous feat), but it didn't spoil my enjoyment of this treasure. In fact, operating on the assumption that I was correct gave me the unique perspective of being able to see the hints and clues the film was giving me, which made the experience all the more delightful. I often try to guess the inevitable twist coming at the end of a movie like this, and often, though I'm right, you feel cheated that the movie wasn't more skillful in deceiving you. Such is not the case with Carnival of Souls. Even if you know Mary's fate, watching her arrive at it is a stunning experience. If you're not afraid of black and white, give this one a try.
The Creature From the Black Lagoon (Jack Arnold) - D+
David Reed has been invited to participate in a geological surgery, showing some very peculiar fossils cropping up in South America. David, along with Kay, his lady friend, Mark, his boss and a rival for Kay's affections, Lucas, a smart-mouthed local that owns a boat, and a cast of interchangeable scientists set out to the Black Lagoon in the Amazon, a mysterious place that has claimed the lives of all who enter. The creature leaving the fossil evidence turns out not to be past-tense after all, and soon, Reed and his crew are in a deadly (and dreary) game of cat and mouse with a remnant of the prehistoric age, a Gillman. Can science defeat nature? It's the 1950s, so you'd better believe it can.
The Creature From The Black Lagoon is a well-regarded genre film from the 50s. But why? So far as I can see is the innovation of using underwater camerawork is the films main claim to glory, as it uses this technique unabashedly (all though not on location, perish the thought! Despite Lucas going on and on about the natural dangers of the amazon river, the cast never encounters any mundane dangers, only the Gillman).
So, not only is the locale kind of bland, there's very little of the trademark show-offiness of American technology (other than, of course, the scientists dosing the lagoon with rohypnol - that's something you don't hear happening too often these days). The love story between David, Kay and Mark is extremely bland, and feels shoehorned in. In fact, Mark's entire character feels like he's only there to frustrate the rest of the crew (and the viewer). And how about that Gillman? Surely he's worth all the love the film gets? I wish I could say yes. It's just a dude in a rubber suit, and it's not even a great-looking rubber suit at that.
It feels as though the Gillman was merely Universal's attempt to stay at the forefront of 50s horror, a tough road to how when the celebrated Hammer Film company was retelling all their old stories with a mountain of gore. Creature From The Black Lagoon feels cheap by comparison. Ultimately, you could ignore this one.
Dog Soldiers (Neil Marshall) - B
Pvt Cooper didn't make it into special forces, so he's back with his regular unit, doing a complex military exercise along the Scottish moors. While running an operation against, coincidentally, the same special forces unit that rejected Cooper, Cooper's squad finds the Special Forces unit nothing but a bloody puddle, with no one but Captain Ryan (played by Game of Thrones alumni, Liam Cunningham). Something murdered the entire Special Forces squad, and it's coming for Cooper's unit next. Though they're able to find rescue temporarily through Megan, a local that knows the area, the squad soon becomes trapped by a pack of big, bloodthirsty werewolves. Their only hope: survive until the sun comes up. They have their work cut out for them, as some members of the squad may not be entirely what they seem.
This isn't the highest quality film out there, but there's a lot to like. All of the cast is serviceable to great (Ryan is a quality villain, but Megan and actor Sean Pertwee, who plays the squad's ill-fated Sargent are also top-notch). It's hard not to love the story, which not only follows a satisfying amount of logic, but is also a great premise all on it's own (a werewolf siege movie is an awesome idea, and should be attempted again soon). The film takes a predictable twist at the start of it's final act, but any horror buff will see it coming and praise it for its execution. The film is loaded with references, from some of the squadmates names (Sargent Harry G. Wells, Private Brucie Campbell.... you get it), to almost half of the film feeling like it's ripped directly from the siege parts of Aliens, there's plenty for cineophiles to binge on.
My biggest complaint about Dog Soldiers are the werewolves themselves. They look really bad. Think part muppet, part guy trapped in a muppet costume. Now, because we have a director that understands his limitations, the early parts of the film show us these monsters sparingly, allowing us not to see their hideousness in full shots until the final act (where in you see them a lot, and can't help but notice their goofiness). Even so, this is a minor complaint. Other special effects, such as the numerous gore effects, are much more spectacular. This may be the best werewolf movie since the 80s, folks. A dubious title, but one Dog Soldiers proudly deserves. This movie impressed me so much, in fact, that I'm considering giving Marshall's following film, The Descent, another try (I really, really didn't like it, the first go around...)
Beyond the Gates (Jackson Stewart) - F
Gordon and John's father has gone missing, and it doesn't look like he's coming back any time soon, so the erstwhile brothers reunite to sell his house and shut down his b-movie store. The brothers, along with Gordon's girlfriend Margo are staying in the father's house. One day, the brothers stumble into their fathers office and find that he was playing Beyond the Gates, a video board game. For laughs, they try it out... And are drawn into a nightmarish fight for survival and their father's soul. Though they endlessly debate whether they should keep playing or not, soon everyone in the cast's life is threatened by the evil game.
It's just a real snoozer, from start to finish. Bad acting. Boring filmmaking. A dumb and hackneyed plot. I guess I can say some of the gore effects in the movie aren't awful, but they're few and far between. While sometimes decent special effects can prop up an otherwise horrible film, the otherwise lacking elements don't even possess that B-movie charm that could maybe save it.
Even the premise feels tired, though I've never seen another video-board-game-does-spooky-shit movie. It's reasons like this that I won't be trusting Netflix for a third of my films going forward from this year, the offering there can be pretty bland (though to be fair, I have seen a lot of the films offered on the service by now). Screw this movie, and the service that carries it, I say.
SO, there you have it! Another week down, and only ten more films to be watched. I'm not sure exactly what's on the docket for the week, but I'll be immediately following up this post with an ill-advised Sunday Morning Marathon selection, Human Centipede: Final Sequence (THE PERFECT CHOICE FOR 8 AM!).
Stick around, kiddos! We're making it through this ghoulish month, one movie at a time....
