Achewood: the Sweet & the Sour

There’s no two ways about it; Achewood is really, really funny.

Chris Onstad, writer of the Time Magazine celebrated webcomic, has been at it for almost nine years now. From its humble, surrealistic beginnings, the comic has evolved into a force of social commentary, often referencing pop culture, taking shots at institutions and trumpeting counter-culture.

Essentially, Achewood is an ongoing narrative of the days of the impossible lives of its protagonists, including Ray Smuckles, a jive-talking, multi-millionaire cat, his childhood best friend Roast Beef, another cat that suffers from several forms of depression and Téodor, a stuffed bear with a penchant for cooking, graphic design and writing product placement-heavy erotica.

Since Achewood first ran in 2001, Onstad has produced over a dozen books, several hilarious t-shirts and been noted in several publications. One might argue that Achewood is top dog of all webcomics. Of particular interest is the strip’s clever dialogue, which has developed expertly, considering the sheer number of characters. Each character has a unique voice which has remained consistent since their development. Another fun aspect of the comic is its ‘alt text’, which is achieved by hovering your mouse of the comic for a split second, and a line of text will appear. This is usually a punchline or comment based on the strip.

Many of the multiple-comic storylines are genius. From Ray's battle with a Nigerian E-mail scam, to Ray's hip-hop loving nephew being transported to 1676 Wales, to Roast Beef being immortalized as a lolcat, to the classic Great Outdoor Fight (3 days, 3 acres, 3000 men.) The website offers a handy (and recently updated) drop down menu to let you navigate to the start of any story in its archives. Classic Achewood is as enjoyable as it is ample.

“So, Ed, what is the problem?”

Well, Achewood has always branched out. Perhaps starting with Ray’s Place, an advice column written from Ray’s perspective, and then several characters started to release blogs. These blogs often linked gaps between strips, when Onstad was bogged down by real life and production schedules. But, as side-projects usually go, these dwindled over time.

Now Onstad seems to be all about his premium subscriber updates. For a mere $3 USD a year, you can get something Achewood every day. Be it sketches, strips or ideas, something gets posted every day. Which must be nice, considering these days, you’re lucky if you get a new public strip every week.

HOGWASH!

I know it seems like not much to complain about, given that almost anyone can afford $3 a year, but I must ask – why is this necessary? Why should fans of this comic have to shell out anything to enjoy its full content when it’s all ready achieved commercial success to the point that most webcomics could only dream about? It’s not as though the fans won’t support the standard merchandise ventures. I myself even bought three shirts as wardrobe for my actors in an independently produced theatrical production, out of pocket. These were not the first items I’d purchased from Achewood either.

Moreover, the length of time between strips coming out makes it not even worth checking the website daily. And recently, Onstad seems to favor strips which are either low or devoid of dialogue. For those of us who have interest in his dialogue or commentary, we are shit out of luck.

I took a year off from reading Achewood due to this very frustration. Recently I came back, and caught up, and it was a grand time. This is the way a web comic should be. You should be able to enjoy it several times a week, or, at the very least, on a regular schedule. Now I find myself frustrated. Just straight-up surly about having to wait for the current storyline to end, in the hopes that something I enjoy more comes up.

Then again, it was scrolling back through old archives of the comic that delayed this entry for so long. I would just get lost in the strip. I’ll always be an Achewood fan, and no matter how disgruntled I get with its current incarnation, the sheer number of comics from the daily comic days are too excellent to not go back and enjoy. Unlike other comics that have driven me from fandom into sheer disappointment, I don’t see anything like Achewood ever coming around.

On a personal note, Onstad, should you ever read this article, I would be a great voice for Ray Smuckles in the animated version, when you’re ready to take things to the next level. I will even personally edit this article, and take each of the negative things said and change them into the most gay-for-pay things you can think of. And you’ve got a pretty epic imagination, sir. That much is evident.

He's Got Black, Plastic Ray-Bans, and He's Coming Out Swinging!

So, this morning, while having my regular morning visit to Fark, I came across an article about 10 Movies that Hipsters Need to Get Over, computer-penned by an intellectual dynamo by the name of Judy Berman.

Before I comment on this, I know some of you won’t read the link, or would prefer a summary, so let me just give you the Cole’s Notes:

- Say Anything
- Wet, Hot American Summer
- the Big Lebowski
- Reality Bites
- Coffee and Cigarettes
- Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
- Rushmore
- Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
- A Clockwork Orange
- Waking Life
- Me, You, and Everyone We Know

Now, before you start getting as outraged as I did about her posting eleven movies instead of ten… well, actually, no, go ahead. That’s okay to get upset about. Unless this is some kind of baker’s ten, she fucked up.

Also, how the fuck did Kevin “Lunchbox” Smith not make this list? Clerks and Mallrats both fit the bill for her sloppy and far too brief introduction to her criteria in making these choices.

But what I really want to address here is exactly what the hell is a hipster? According to Judy, a hipster would appear to have 80s nostalgia, enjoy critically acclaimed directors, and… whatever Reality Bites and Me, You, and Everyone We Know contribute to Hipster potential. Really, if loathsome quoting of these movies is what makes people a hipster, then a lot of people from before hipsters “existed” are also hipsters.

Is it possible, Judy, that it’s not so much that hipsters keep quoting these movies, as much as it is that these movies are extremely popular and important to our culture? One in particular deserves mention, I feel, because you’re painting it with the same broad brush that you paint many of the others with. Anderson, the Coens and Jarmusch I will tolerate your scathing critiques of – they are not for everybody, especially people that have the phrase ‘get over’ in the title of their article – but Kubrick is going too far. Clockwork Orange – not a film from the 80s or 90s with nostalgic value for hipsters – is not just a good movie, it is a work of art.

Nobody makes movies like Stanley Kubrick. No one ever has, and no one probably ever will. The dude took the rising tide of film culture that was developing in the 60s and established in the 70s, and he ran with it. His films are like watching a moving painting – freeze frame (aka pause) a Kubrick film, post Dr. Strangelove (which, while being my favorite of Stanley’s, is too early to be used for this example), and you will be left with an image that would make an excellent piece of art. Kubrick’s work with scene-structure, editing and sense of timing were excellent, and, more importantly, unique.

I’m getting kind of sick of seeing internet bloggers and other people bandying the term ‘auteur’ around without even fully understanding what it means. An auteur is not a director that is trying to be cool, or ‘artsy’ or anything like that. An auteur is a filmmaker that cultivates a certain style that pervades all of his films. Like the painting styles of Picasso, or Warhol. Hitchcock would have been one of the first true auteurs, though he had far less to play with, due to the time he made the majority of his films in.

This is starting to get me into film student mode, and I’d like to refrain from going too far down that road. Suffice to say, Kubrick is awesome, and I’m sure it has far more to do with how awesome Kubrick’s films are that the greater public at large appreciates and quotes his work. Whether they’re hipsters or not.

In summary: Up yours, Judy. Stop harshing our hipster buzz with your metrosexual-style writings. Also, eleven will never be ten.

Long Live King George

If you’re a fan of TV, you probably keep an eye on the doings happening over at HBO. One particular item of note is their new series A Game of Thrones, which will debut in 2011. Some of you that caught the season premiere of True Blood might have seen the teaser trailer for the series, and if you haven’t, here it is.

Now, since that trailer doesn’t tell you a lot about it, here’s a brief synopsis: A Game of Thrones, written by George R. R. Martin (“the American Tolkien”) takes place in a world that is kind of like medieval Europe, but where seasons go on for years at a time. There are not a lot of magic or supernatural creatures – but there used to be. The story revolves around several points of view narratives, most of which belong to the Starks, who rule the land of Winterfell (the patriarch of which is an Eddard “Ned” Stark, to be portrayed in the series by Sean Bean). After a cryptic invitation from the king of the seven kingdoms, Stark and most of his family relocate to the sinister capital city of their world, King's Landing. Once arriving, Stark finds himself in the middle of a mystery that has repercussions for the entire kingdom. A Game of Thrones has some battles in it, but more importantly, it closely examines politics of a medieval society; those of monarchy, religion, family and military. It is gritty, it is ruthless, and it is a lot of fun to read.

The HBO series will probably be great (as everything they touch turns to gold), and, as I understand it, the idea is to encompass an entire book of Martin’s series in a season. So here’s the problem; there’s only four books published out of seven, and we’re in year five of waiting on the next one. Originally, Martin was publishing them at about the rate of one a year, but book four took a staggering four/five years to come out, and as mentioned, it’s been five years so far for a Dance with Dragons.

Now, yes, this is kind of whining, but let me try to give you an explanation of why book five is highly anticipated – Over the course of the books, many different characters are introduced. When book four was in the works it was so damned long that Martin had to split it into two volumes. Book five is the second half of that volume, and follows many of the characters that are most appealing. In fact, of all the characters left alive (oops, spoiler alert – characters die!), most of the main protagonists from the first book are the ones followed in the fifth. This had the combined effect of making the fourth book somewhat less interesting than the other three, and making anticipation for the fifth book all the more deep and rich.

Having trouble following that? I did say ‘book’ a lot. Let’s try it another way;

Let’s say Ghostbusters 2 was inexplicably delayed way longer than you thought, and it was announced that the second movie was to be split into two further movies. Then, when you and your friends went to watch the second movie, it turned out that only Winston (Who would be in Detroit, looking into franchise options for Ghostbusters HQ), Louis Tully (bumbling around, and trying to make amends for his disastrous client party from the first picture) and Janine (with scene after scene of her descending into madness, alone in the firehouse, ala Polanski’s Repulsion) were in it. No Peter, no Egon, no Ray. The notion would be that Ghostbusters 3 would follow the main three from the first movie, but… it might take forever.

Kind of bullshit, isn’t it?

To make matters worse, Ol’ George is… well… old. Fantasy writers have been known to die from old age. Robert Jordan perished before he could complete his epic saga, and fans of Martin’s have begun to express the same concern. In the most recent publicized interview with Martin on the subject, he claimed to be disturbed by his fans being worried about this (which, I’ll admit, is kind of macabre, but when Martin posts on his blog more often about his love of watching NFL football, and eating excessively than he does about his current book, health-conscious North America cannot help but worry).

No one can force Mr. Martin to finish his book, of course, but I’m pretty sure that being hounded by your fans about it is the price of fame. I, as an amateur writer – who has almost never been able to finish anything timely – can sympathize with his difficulties. But, on the other hand, George, if you are finding the weight of an angry internet following too much to handle, how in the hell are you going to sit down with HBO executives several years from now, the fourth season of your show airing to much accolades, only to tell them ‘err… yeah… it’s almost ready! Another four months, and I might be finished!’? They are going to make a few surly nerds, sitting in their underwear, probably in their basements, bitching and whining seem like a heavenly chorus of angels. In the previously mentioned article, George also mentioned that he no longer gives himself deadlines, but he has in essence given himself a long-term deadline for his next three books. At his current rate of publication, he has little to no hope in hell towards getting the final book ready before HBO is ready to begin production on the series surrounding it.

So, yes, add me to the list of misanthropes that demand satisfaction. Preferably before the end of this calendar year, but, given that this series is my literary heroin of choice these days, I will take it whenever I can get it.